


Worlds Between Us

by savvysav



Series: Commanders Cross Over [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crossover, Destroy Ending, F/M, Friendship, Loss, Love, Mass Effect/Dragon Age Crossover, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2019-10-22 03:18:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17655053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvysav/pseuds/savvysav
Summary: This story serves as an alternate ending/continuation of its predecessorThe Road In is Not the Same Road Out. You do not need to read that story before reading this one. In the previous story Shepard was transported to Thedas by the Crucible blast after destroying the Reapers and aided the Inquisition with the fight against Corypheus.When Dorian helps Shepard find a way back home she decides to find out what has happened to the galaxy left behind in her wake and Cullen Rutherford realizes too late that he may have pushed away the only woman he has ever truly loved.[This story primarily focuses on Cullen/Shepard with other minor pairings in the background.]





	1. Left and Leaving

Cullen anxiously awaited the return of the Inquisitor’s party back at Skyhold. They had all been nervous as the Inquisitor and his companion left to meet Corypheus, though Cullen felt particularly distraught as Shepard had left with the group at the Inquisitor’s request. She was extremely powerful and would be an asset to the Inquisitor in his final battle but Cullen also knew that the Inquisitor had hoped to fulfill his promise to send her back to her home. Dorian and Dagna had long been working on improving Magister Alexius’ magical amulet and Cullen surmised that it would probably work. 

Cullen had been distraught when he discovered the report about the research tucked into his stack of paperwork. He had little doubt that the Spymaster had had a scout conveniently place it there for him to find. It had devastated him. Shepard said that she loved him and yet she did not trust him enough to tell him that there may be a way for her to go home. Or that she wanted to take it. She did not believe that he would let her go if it was what she wanted. Cullen had confronted her and asked for space in their relationship and they had barely spoken after that. Now she had gone with the Inquisitor to try and destroy Corypheus and close the Breach that had brought her to Thedas in the first place. The Breach that would likely send her home. 

Cullen paced the war room until Josephine ordered him to stop. Then he fidgeted with the pommel of his sword. After what felt like an eternity of time they heard what sounded like a crack of thunder and ran to the window in time to see a bright beam of green light fly straight up and into the Breach. After a few moments it stopped and the Breach closed, a green scar across the sky left in its place. Josephine hugged him as she cheered for the Inquisitor. Leliana was smiling and saying a short prayer of gratitude. Cullen felt ill. He was relieved that the Breach was closed and that Corypheus had finally been defeated, but he suspected that the woman he loved was lost to him.

It was hours before the party made it back to Skyhold. The forward scouts sent word of the Inquisitor’s arrival and the courtyard had begun to fill with his followers. Cullen and the other advisors waited on the steps to the keep. They saw the Inquisitor arrive with Dorian riding at his side, but soon the yard was too overwhelmed by people to keep track of anyone. The Inquisitor ascended the stairs and the advisors bowed to him, acknowledging both his victory and his perseverance. Cullen kept watch for vibrant red hair but he saw none. Leliana walked the Inquisitor inside and the rest of his party slowly came up the stairs. Shepard was nowhere to be seen. Cassandra joined him on the steps, and as though she was reading his mind, she said, “She is gone.” 

His heart felt hollowed out, empty and aching. The nerves in his stomach had subsided and given way to despair. The necklace— _dog tags,_ Shepard had called them—that she had given him felt impossibly heavy around his neck. 

“I did this,” Cullen whispered. 

“No,” Cassandra shook her head. “Shepard made a choice. One she knew that she might have to make.”

“A choice that I pushed her toward!” Cullen yelled. “She might be here if I had asked her to stay. If I had told her that I did not want to be without her.” 

A few people had heard Cullen’s outburst and had turned their attention to the Commander and the Seeker. 

“Excuse me,” Cullen said. He ignored Cassandra calling out behind him. 

He did not want to go to their victory party for it hardly felt like a joyous occasion; it was as though the woman he loved had died in the final battle. He walked through the yard and past the Herald’s Rest tavern before taking the stairs up to the battlements. He was loathe to return to his office and so somehow he found himself walking to Shepard’s quarters. _Former quarters,_ he reminded himself.

Her room was quiet, still, and achingly familiar. She had helped him through a particularly bad episode of lyrium withdrawal and they had kissed for the first time. They spent many nights together in her room and it had always been his favourite place in Skyhold. Cullen sat down on her bed and allowed the tears to fall freely. He had always imagined the two of them together after Corypheus and the Inquisition, though he had only ever said it in passing and never seriously. Now he blamed himself for her loss.

Cullen unbuckled his sword belt and placed his weapon carefully beside the bed, then proceeded with removing his cloak and armour. He finished undressing and climbed into her bed as he had done many times before. It still smelled like Shepard, the scent threatening to make him cry again. Cullen inhaled deeply, missing her more with each breath. Eventually he fell into a fitful sleep. In all of his turmoil Cullen had failed the notice the letter addressed to him on the bedside table. 

***

Shepard had barely had time to say goodbye to her friends at Haven. Dorian had given her the amulet during their ride to the Temple of Sacred Ashes and had told her to stay close to the Inquisitor. When they had finally weakened Corypheus at the temple and the Inquisitor had retrieved the orb, Dorian told Shepard that it was time to decide. She hesitated for a moment as she thought of Cullen before reminding herself that she was not supposed to be in Thedas in the first place. He would be beyond her reach, an infinite distance between them, and although she would always love him she needed to know what the consequences of her decision had been. Duty had always come first for Shepard and she knew that Cullen could understand. She was not even sure that he wanted her anymore. 

The Inquisitor’s hand began to glow as the orb met his mark and a green beam of light appeared. 

“Goodbye Shepard,” Dorian called out. He waved his staff and the amulet around her neck began to glow brightly and she touched the Inquisitor's orb as instructed. It seemed to open up its own kind of rift and pulled Shepard into it. She had not had the time to say goodbye to any of them. 

Shepard followed Dorian’s instructions and focused her thoughts on her friends. He had said that the magic may not be precise and that he could not guarantee where and when she would return, but that she was to focus on a specific place or person. Shepard knew that hitting the Normandy might be a long shot, and she would rather not land outside of the ship without any gear. She thought of London and the forward operating base, trying to focus on all of the friends that she had said goodbye to.She tried to picture London after the Reapers, not wanting to find herself in the middle of the battle of London again. In what felt like seconds the rift opened before her and collided with the ground. It knocked the wind out of her and she lost consciousness. 

***

There had been a report of a strange flash of green light near the Reaper site in downtown London. Cleanup of the area was still ongoing and it was strictly off limits to civilians. Major Coats had remained stationed in the area over the past year to oversee the operation and coordinate their rebuilding efforts, and it was his comms specialist that relayed the chatter. They had sent a group to scout out the information and he was caught off guard by what they found.

His lieutenant pinged him over the comms. “Sir, you might want to get down here. We think we’ve found Commander Shepard.” 


	2. What Became of You

Shepard slowly regained consciousness and found herself face down on what appeared to be pavement. She rolled onto her back and sat up slowly to give herself a few moments to catch her breath. If she never saw another fade rift it would be too soon. 

Shepard stood up and assessed her location. She knew she was in London as she saw Big Ben and Westminster in the distance and the area surrounding her was empty and desolate—and all too familiar. The flashbacks came without warning, vividly replaying the battle for Earth in her mind. Panic wound its way through her chest and she could feel her skin going clammy with sweat. Shepard closed her eyes and tried to focus on breathing in and out slowly, telling herself that the Reapers had been destroyed. She thought of Cullen and the quiet calm that she felt when he would wrap his arms around her, holding her close against his chest. She was not sure how long she stood breathing but the fear slowly ebbed. She tried to ignore the guilt in the pit of her stomach that came from thinking of Cullen.

When she opened her eyes again she was able to take in her surroundings more clearly. This had been near the Reaper beam; the remnants of the destroyed Reapers were skeletons that claimed the landscape. They were dark and hollow, signs of their dismantling evident in the missing pieces. Shepard did not know _when_ exactly she was, but she seemed to have gotten the _where_ correct.

The sound of a vehicle approaching caught her attention and Shepard reached for the daggers at her back. She had learned how to wield them fairly well during her time in Thedas and her biotics were always at the ready. Shepard was relieved to see an Alliance Mako approaching and sheathed her weapons. The vehicle stopped a few metres away and two soldiers emerged with drawn weapons.

“This is the Systems Alliance police. You are trespassing in a restricted area,” the soldier said. “Attempting to access Reaper tech is strictly prohibited.”

Shepard raised her hands above her head. “I sort of ended up here by accident. Could you help me get to Alliance headquarters? I need to speak with someone in charge. I’m Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy.”

The soldiers were shocked. Shepard realized that she must have looked absurd in her leather armour and daggers. Her hair had grown during her time in Thedas and she wore it in a long side swept braid. She imagined that she must look nothing like Commander Shepard.

Most of the time she had felt that people only recognized her because of the distinctive N7 armour.

“Commander Shepard is presumed dead,” one of the soldiers responded. “Killed in action.”

Shepard was getting frustrated. She reached under her collar for her dog tags only to realize that she no longer had them. She had given them to Cullen as a gift when she first told him that she loved him. Anger flared at the thought, though she could not tell if it was because she had not thought to get them back or if it was because she had left Cullen behind. If things had not gone so poorly between them she might have asked him to come with her. Or she might have stayed in Thedas with him. It hadn’t worked out that way, and ultimately she had to take the ticket home while she had it. There would be no other way of knowing what the consequences of her decision had been and she was not sure if she could live with the uncertainty. Unfortunately it did not help the heartache she now felt.

“I am Commander Shepard and I demand to speak to the officer in charge of this operation immediately. Do not waste my time.” Shepard stepped toward the Mako with her patented glare and saw one of the soldiers lower their weapon.

“What if it is Commander Shepard?” he hissed at his partner. “Get Major Coats on the line immediately.

Shepard slowly approached the Mako. She could see them studying her intently, taking in her odd appearance and the huge knives strapped to her back. Although they did not seem entirely convinced of her identity they did help her into the back of the Mako before taking her to headquarters. Neither soldier spoke to her during the trip, and she took in as much as she could from the backseat. After leaving the restricted Reaper site the roads slowly gave way to clearer and easier terrain. It was obvious that there had been a massive reconstruction effort, as much of the debris had cleared and construction projects were evident across London. She tried not to think about what it had looked like when she had pushed through waves of Reaper forces.

“How long has it been since the battle?” Shepard asked. She tried to say it casually but the soldiers seemed concerned at the way her voice had cracked.

“Nearly fourteen months ma’am,” one of the soldiers replied. He was watching her closely in the rear view mirror.

Shepard nodded her thanks and opted not to speak any further. Over a year’s time had passed since her destruction of the Reapers and there was no way to tell what the full impact had been. She was glad to hear that Coats had made it through and was hopeful that he could give her some more intel.

The sight of Alliance Headquarters made her feel a bit easier as she stepped out of the Mako. As the soldiers escorted her inside she saw staff and recruits alike stop and stare as whispers filled the space. Major Coats was standing in the lobby when they arrived. Shepard noticed the way that his eyes widened at the sight of her.

“Well I’ll be damned,” he said as he approached her. He stopped in front of her and saluted. She extended a hand to him which he accepted with a firm grasp. “Commander fucking Shepard.”

She could hear the shockwave that travelled through the room as it erupted in conversation and applause. The crowd pushed in closer and all eyes were focused on her. Shepard suddenly felt exposed without her armour to shield her.

“Good to see you Coats. Any chance you could brief me privately?”

“Of course.” He motioned to an elevator at the back of the lobby.

It was strange to see the crowd of people shift around her as though they were afraid to get too close. Shepard stuck with Coats and let out a sigh of relief when the elevator doors closed behind them. The Major was silent as he led the way to his office, an open space with large windows and a massive desk. He ushered Shepard into a chair and offered her a drink.

“Whatever you’re having, Major,” she replied. Shepard removed the daggers strapped to her back and laid them on the desk. Coats regarded them with curiosity but to his credit did not ask. He handed her a glass of whiskey which she gladly accepted. He sat down across from her and raised his glass before they both took a drink. Coats waited a few moments and Shepard took his silence as an invitation to speak.

"Where is my—the Normandy’s crew?” Shepard asked.

“You don’t know?” Coats raised an eyebrow at this and Shepard shook her head in response.

She was not sure how exactly she was going to explain her absence for the past year. Telling everyone that she was transported to a different world was probably not the best option. She had to get some intel first.

“What happened to the Normandy, Coats?” she asked again.

Coats let out a low whistle. “Alright, where to start? The Normandy is set to return to Sol any day now. They got caught up in the blast and landed on an unidentified planet. We didn’t know that until about 6 months ago when we got the comms systems up again. Seems like the crew is all accounted for. Well, they _were_ all accounted for except for you.”

Shepard let out a breath that she had not realized she was holding in. Major Coats must have noticed her relief as he paused for a moment before he continued. 

“We assumed you had been picked up by the Normandy but when they finally connected to comms they told us you had lost contact and were left on the Citadel. We’ve sent scout teams up to the Citadel to look for survivors and provide status reports but there was never any sign of you. The Alliance never officially declared you killed in action even though that’s been the assumption for months now.” 

Shepard let that information sink in as best as she could. Everyone thought that she was dead—again. She was glad to hear that the Normandy crew was making its way back, though she couldn’t imagine that they would have had enough supplies to be stranded for that long. She hoped that they were alright.

She wanted to ask Coats what had happened in the past fourteen months. It would be important to know what the status of the council was, what the losses had been, and how the reconstruction efforts were progressing. Asking anything specific would likely bring up questions about where the hell she had been all that time and Shepard wasn’t quite sure how to handle those yet. Her mind was still reeling from the fact that she had made it back at all.

“What happened after the Crucible fired, Major?”

He let out a hollow chuckle at this. “It was like a massive EMP fried all of the Reapers—suddenly the bastards shut down and all of the husks disintegrated. For the ground troops it was a miracle. The ships had a bit more trouble trying to outrun the blast. Got stranded all over the place if they survived.”

Shepard listened intently as Coats outlined some of the details. The blast had destroyed the Reapers, but it had also destroyed anything built from Reaper tech, including the mass relays. The comm systems and extranet went down for a while. Ships had been stranded in Sol for months and allies sought relief on earth, whereas some, like the Turians, had tried to make thejourney back to their own system. The additional populations had caused resource shortages, but had also required extensive cooperation between the races. There was still a lot of work to be done but it sounded like infrastructure was being repaired. Coats explained that the comms and extranet being back online had really helped to bolster morale, but that it brought with it another set of problems. They were finding more and more people stranded in various parts of the galaxy and the inability to effectively travel was causing concerns. Crews had begun exploring the Citadel and the galaxy’s most brilliant minds had been looking into fixing the relays without the use of Reaper tech. The Reapers were gone but they had left a disastrous mess behind them. Shepard shook her head in disbelief. 

“What you did was nothing short of a fucking miracle, Commander Shepard. We’d all be dead if not for you,” Coats finished.

She did not know what to say to that. In spite of all the adversity the galaxy had faced during the Reaper War they were working toward restoring a semblance of order. Shepard had the distinct feeling that she was unnecessary now that they were without an immediate crisis. She had left Thedas because she had feared the worst and had to know for sure that the Reapers had truly been destroyed. She had also dreamed about the possibility of returning to the moment when she had been resurrected by Cerberus so that she could try to save everyone—Mordin, Thane, Legion. Had she been able to go back with all of the knowledge that she now possessed the war would have ended much sooner. Dorian had explained some theories about the severe impacts of altering time, but Shepard had largely drowned it out. None of it made much sense anyway. She knew that it would not work precisely the way that she wanted it to.

Shepard noticed that Coats was studying the daggers she had brought with her. He had not yet asked any questions about where she had been and she suspected that he might be working up to it. Before he could ask, they heard a loud commotion in the lobby.

“Where is Shepard?” boomed a familiar voice. “I know she’s here.”

The door to Coats’ office opened with a slam and two massive Krogan walked through it while a staffer followed helplessly behind them.

“I am so sorry Major, but I couldn’t stop them—”

“Shepard!” Grunt called out as he engulfed her in a crushing hug. “We thought you were dead!”

“She’s too tough to kill.” Wrex walked in calmly behind and waited for Grunt to finish before giving Shepard his own hug.

She could not believe that they were there in front of her. For so long she had wondered what had happened to all of her friends, and to have some of them back with her seemed like a dream. She wished for the briefest moment that she could introduce them to Cullen before remembering that that would never be possible. Wrex was eyeing her closely as though he watched the carousel of emotions spinning in her mind. She knew that he was too smart to ask her where she had been while Coats was hovering around them.

“What now?” Shepard asked. 

“Come to the Krogan quarter with us,” Grunt said simply before Coats interjected. 

“We’ll need to get your identification back in order, and I imagine that Hackett will want to debrief you in person. Word is going to spread like wildfire that you’re back. No doubt they’ll want some kind of press conference or other pomp and circumstance…” 

Shepard sighed and rubbed a hand over her face as Coats continued. It was going to be a busy day.


	3. Your Heart is an Empty Room

Cullen was miserable. The days after Corypheus’ defeat were chaotic; nobles from across Thedas poured into Skyhold to catch a glimpse of the Inquisitor and the Chantry was set to elect a new Divine at any moment. Work kept him busy, though every time he was locked up in his office he could not help but miss the way that Shepard would assist with this reports. She was infuriating, bending over his desk and rummaging through his organized stacks of paper until she found the things that were most interesting to her. They often worked on strategic assignments together and she would provide him with anecdotes from her own world that made little sense until she explained their operational value. Shepard had always been vague about her world, though given the information that Cullen had collected, he suspected she was far more than just a naval commander. It was a secret that he had always hoped to learn more about. 

Cullen waded through the mass of nobles in the hall as he made his way through the Ambassador’s office and into the War Room. He had to continually ignore the catcalls and marriage proposals that were shouted out at him. Leliana had once said that Cullen’s value as a prospect had significantly increased as the Commander of the Inquisition’s army, but he hardly cared. Josephine would receive letters and contractual offers on his behalf which he vehemently refused. 

The Inquisitor and his advisors were assembled by the time Cullen arrived. He tried to ignore the brief pitying look that the Inquisitor directed his way. The meeting was underway quickly and took up a large portion of the morning. Despite the defeat of their enemy, the Inquisition still had a lot of work to do to stabilize some regions of Fereldan and Orlais. The Inquisitor tasked them with a number of projects as he himself prepared to depart Skyhold. 

“Cullen, a word?” The Inquisitor asked as the other advisors left the room. 

Cullen walked back toward the war table and nodded at his superior. Maxwell Trevelyan was a charming man, a member of the nobility in the Free Marches, and the leader of the Inquisition. He worked hard and Cullen felt a great deal of respect for the man. 

“I am worried about you,” Trevelyan began. 

“I am not taking lyrium anymore and my symptoms have lessened significantly,” Cullen responded. He had given up lyrium after he renounced his position as a templar and had suffered terrible withdrawal. At his weakest moment the Inquisitor had helped him persevere. Maxwell had watched his progress closely, so Cullen was confused as to why he might have concerns now. 

Trevelyan laughed. “I am not worried about the lyrium. With everything that happened, I’ve just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.”

Cullen realized that he was referring to Shepard. “Oh—er, right. That.” 

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck as he felt tension building in his body. He did not want to talk about her. He had been trying to avoid talking about her for the past week.

“Have you been concerned about the performance of my duties?” Cullen deflected. He crossed his arms over his chest.

Trevelyan shook his head. “No of course not. But I wanted to give you some time if you needed it. I know that things have been rather difficult for you now that she has gone.” 

“She’s not dead, Inquisitor. She left. She made the decision to leave. It has nothing to do with me,” Cullen scoffed. It was a lie, of course. He had been convinced that her decision to go had had everything to do with him.

When Shepard joined the Inquisition Trevelyan had vowed to help her return to her time in exchange for her aid. Cullen had known that from the beginning, but it was always felt so intangible. They had not even known it was possible for her to return until Dorian began researching the time magic that had caused the incident in Redcliffe. Shepard had asked Dorian to work on it in secret. Cullen had only found out because a scout report for Leliana had accidentally gotten mixed in with his own. He had been so upset when he confronted Shepard about it that he had told her he did not want to continue their relationship until after Corypheus had been defeated. They had barely spoken during the last stretch of the campaign, and before the Inquisitor sealed the Breach he sent Shepard back through it. Cullen did not know what Trevelyan expected him to say. 

“She loved you, you know,” Trevelyan said quietly. 

“Then why did she leave?” Cullen slammed his fist down on the war table, the hurt he felt bubbling to the surface. He hoped that it would lessen over time and that he could stop missing her so acutely.

“How accidental fate may seem when things can never turn out other than they do.” Cole said as he appeared on top of the War Table between them. 

Shepard had always been fond of the spirit but Cullen had found him rather unnerving. He had an innate ability to read thoughts and feelings, often vocalizing them at the most inopportune times. Cole was one of the few people who understood Shepard’s world through her own thoughts. There had been brief moments where Cullen had envied that ability as Shepard would get lost wandering through her own memories. They had both suffered from bad dreams at times and would help each other through them. It was helpful for Cullen to talk about his, whereas Shepard usually wanted Cullen to hold her and breathe with her. 

“Not now Cole,” Cullen sighed, his anger deflating. 

“I hear the hurt calling out for help,” Cole pleaded. “She hurts too.” 

“You can hear Shepard?” Trevelyan interjected before Cullen could speak. “She made it home?” 

Cole nodded. At least Cullen knew that she made it back to where she wanted to be. “Is she—happy?” he asked tentatively. 

“Until you loved her she had never minded being alone. Things are different now.” 

Cullen felt an ache in his chest. Shepard had always spoken about her crew and her friends with such fondness that he could not really imagine her being alone. Then again, he could not really imagine much about her world. Cole titled his head sideways, his floppy hat dipping low toward the table. His eyes were watching Cullen carefully from underneath its brim.

“I miss her too,” Cole said. 

“That is enough for now Cole,” Trevelyan said kindly. He walked around the table to Cullen as the spirit disappeared from the room.

“You can take some time if you need it, Cullen. Corypheus is gone. Things are not as pressing as they once were.” Trevelyan put a reassuring hand on the Commander’s shoulder. 

Cullen wondered how long everyone was going to pity him. It was not as though Shepard’s departure had been an accident. She had chosen to leave, and somehow that had made it worse. People seemed afraid to speak her name around him as though he would immediately fall to pieces. 

“I find the work to be rather helpful. Unless you feel that I am not fulfilling my responsibilities I would like to continue, Inquisitor.”

Trevelyan nodded his assent. “Josephine had Shepard’s quarters cleared and wondered if you wanted us to give you the things that were left behind. I told her to move them to your office to go through them and you can let her know if you need them removed.”

“Of course, Inquisitor.” Cullen was nauseated at the thought of Shepard’s room sitting empty. It made things all too real. 

He and the Inquisitor walked out of the war room and went their separate ways in the rotunda; Cullen walked out to the battlements and the Inquisitor went up to the library in search of Dorian. The rotunda felt eerie without Solas to occupy it. The elf had left a beautiful mural painted on its walls, though he had not completed it before he had disappeared. They were still unaware of Solas’ location or his motivations. It made Cullen uneasy. 

He continued on to his office and found the box of Shepard’s things had been unceremoniously left beside his desk. Cullen picked it up and precariously carried it up the ladder to his loft. On nights when Cullen was overwhelmed with work Shepard would keep him company until neither one of them felt capable of staying awake. They would eventually struggle up the ladder and get into bed, quickly falling asleep as they held one another. It felt like everything reminded him of her. 

Cullen began to catalogue the items in the box: one of his linen shirts that she had borrowed and never returned; one of Varric’s romance novels that Cassandra had lent her; a hairbrush; a small knife; and a letter with his name on it. 

Cullen examined the folded parchment addressed to him. It was definitely in Shepard’s handwriting, and the wax seal appeared not to have been broken. It was a small mercy that Josephine’s staff had been responsible for the room and not Leliana’s, for the Spymaster would certainly have read the letter and may not have relinquished it if she was concerned about its contents. Cullen gingerly opened the seal and unfolded the parchment. 

_Rutherford,_

_I’ve tried to write this letter so many times. I know that I’m heading out to help Maxwell with Corypheus and there may not be a return trip. Being around you without being able to be with you feels impossibly hard. It is a strange kind of irony that you broke things off for the sake of duty—I now have a much greater sense of empathy for being on the receiving end of that decision. I am not sure what happens if we fail to defeat the enemy, or if I go through that breach, so I guess this is my way of clearing my conscience._

_I am an outsider in your world. I need to know what has happened to my people and to my friends. I need to know what the consequences of my actions were. I am sorry that I did not speak with you before I left. I am sorry that things could not work out between us. Duty will always come first; we have that in common._

_I want you to know that I have no regrets about us. I have loved you more than I have ever loved anyone. I guess sometimes a start is all you get, and I’m so glad to have gotten one with you._

_All my love, always,_

_Jane_

Cullen took a deep breath and set the letter on his bedside table. He began to slowly remove his armour, undoing each clasp carefully and methodically before putting it away. His mind was working through any number of alternate realities where he had not broken things off with Shepard, or where they had never been together in the first place, or one where she might have stayed with him—but it was not worth agonizing over. It was done, she was gone, and he would have to find a way to be without her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for enjoying this story! I really appreciate your feedback and hope that you continue along on this journey with me.


	4. The Sound of Settling

Shepard waited out the week before the Normandy’s return with Wrex and Grunt in what was called the Krogan quarter: a demolished part of London that the Krogan were using as their semi-permanent home. Wrex had tried to ask her where she had been all this time, and when Shepard told him that she wasn’t ready to talk about it he had responded with, “Keep your secrets Shepard.” It hadn’t been brought up again after that. 

It felt strange to be wearing Alliance blue again; it was as though it didn’t quite fit anymore. Shepard didn’t have any civilian clothes to speak of, except the ones she had fallen through the rift in, so she was happy to accept anything clean and comfortable from Alliance HQ. She had lived and breathed military service, so the routine and the regs came back easily enough. She was surprised to find that she missed carrying around her daggers. They had been safely stored in her room at Wrex’s as they drew far too much attention to be worn in public. The Alliance was still working on reinstating her identity and credentials, so it would be a while before she would be able to carry a regulation weapon. It made her feel a bit naked. 

She had had a long debriefing with Coats before being reunited with Admiral Hackett, who filled her in on all of the higher level intel about the status of the repairs and restoration efforts. It turned out that the crew that had worked on the Crucible was working toward repairing the relay system and was hopeful things would be up and running in the next few months. They were also nearing a potential reinstatement of power to the Citadel. Shepard’s stomach lurched when Hackett had mentioned it. Shepard wasn’t sure she was going to be able to set foot on that station again. 

Hackett had said that he wanted her to ease back into things and that they could wait for the Normandy crew to return before worrying about getting her back into any kind of active service, saying that she had done more than enough for one military career. She did not argue the point.

A huge crowd had gathered outside Alliance HQ for the Normandy’s return to earth. Soldiers and barricades stood outside in an attempt to keep order. Cheers erupted from the crowd when Shepard, Wrex, and Grunt had arrived. Grunt was flexing for the crowd and adoring the attention while Shepard tried to ignore it as best she could. She hoped that the novelty would wear off and that she would soon be left alone. A few members of the crowd shouted questions asking where she had been and why she had left them. She started taking the steps two at a time and disappeared from view into the Alliance building. 

Joker had radioed a couple of hours before saying that the ship was orbiting and beginning their descent. The landing zone had been cleared for them and a welcome reception had been laid out. Shepard was glad to see that there was not any media present. She found herself feeling nervous about the reunion. She smoothed out her uniform and ran a hand over her braid. She knew that it was breaking Alliance regulations, but she was not returning to active duty and she did not have it in her to cut her hair yet. It was as though she was letting go of Thedas with every small change. She quickly pressed a hand to the outside of her pants pocket to feel for Cullen’s coin and let out a sigh of relief when she realized it was still there. 

Wrex had kept his eyes on Shepard all morning. He had been worrying about her since she returned. Something was different but he could not quite figure out what it was. She still hadn’t said anything about where she had been for the past year, but her clothes and weapons had been very odd. He hoped that Garrus or Liara might able to pull it out of her. It was going to feel good to have the gang back together again. 

The Normandy landed without issue. After a few minutes the door opened and the crew began to disembark and the roar of the crowd outside could be heard from the landing area. Ashley stepped out first as the ranking Alliance Officer on the ship, followed by Liara, Garrus and Tali, Javik, James Vega, Traynor, Cortez and Joker. Admiral Hackett walked out to greet them and said a few words before Grunt and Wrex walked out toward them. 

Shepard felt incapable of movement, momentarily frozen as she looked at the image in front of her. The crew had survived, although EDI was notably absent, and it caused a pang of guilt. They had lost people along the way, but this loss was due to a decision that she herself had made. She wondered if Joker knew. 

The Normandy’s crew was relieved to be back on earth and did not quite expect the raucous welcome that they received. The return trip had been difficult; they had had to ration food carefully, study the planet they had landed on for viable food and water sources, and some of the ship repairs had been extensive. When they were finally space worthy they had faced the difficult task of waiting patiently while the ship crawled back to the Sol system. It had been a relief when the comm systems had come back online and they had gotten some information and status updates, but had been distressed to hear that Shepard was presumed dead. They had held a ceremony on the ship in her honour and placed her name on the wall with the others that they had lost. It had been a difficult time after that as each crew member mourned her in their own way. 

It was quite the shock then to step off of the ship and see a red-haired woman in an Alliance uniform standing next to Wrex and Grunt. Ashley tried to maintain her composure when Admiral Hackett approached. 

“Normandy crew, welcome back to Earth,” he addressed the group. “We understand that you have had a difficult journey and words cannot express how deeply the galaxy is indebted to you for your service.”

Ashley saluted him. “Thank you sir. But before we continue—”

“Commander _fucking_ Shepard,” Vega interrupted. “She’s alive! How the hell has no one told us about this?”

Murmurs rolled through the group as Wrex and Grunt approached them. Shepard had not moved.

“Found her about a week ago,” Wrex said matter-of-factly. “She appeared at the Reaper site and hasn’t said much about where she’s been. But she’s alive.” 

Hackett nodded. “We’d like to debrief the entire crew but first I wanted to give you the opportunity to reconnect and have something to eat. Please take your time and enjoy and we will catch you up after.”

Hackett walked back to the eagerly waiting Alliance staff and asked themto give the crew some space. He watched Shepard carefully from the corner of his eye and thought that she looked overwhelmed. He let it go for the moment.

Liara stepped forward and gave Wrex a big hug. “It’s really her?” she asked carefully. 

Wrex nodded. “It’s our Shepard alright. Not quite sure what happened to her. She might need some time.”

The rest of the group gathered around the two Krogan and began exchanging hugs with one another. Javik, ignoring the group, pushed through them and walked straight up to Shepard, who seemed a bit caught off guard by the Prothean’s forwardness. 

They stood facing one another for a few moments before Javik spoke. 

“My purpose has been fulfilled. Vengeance has been taken for my people and the Reapers have been destroyed. Thank you, Commander.”

He held out a hand toward her in a very human gesture and Shepard took it in her own. She felt a warm sensation spreading up her arm as memories of the Crucible, of landing in Thedas, Skyhold, and of Cullen flashed through her mind. She quickly dropped Javik’s hand. 

“My memories, they—you saw it?” Shepard stuttered. 

“It was not my intent,” Javik scoffed. “You offered them for me to see.”

Shepard felt dizzy. “Javik, please don’t tell the others. I don’t know what to tell anyone. I’m not sure they would believe me.”

“The primitives will not understand such things.”

“Have you seen something like this before?” Shepard asked. 

“We will talk later,” the Prothean responded as the rest of the crew approached them. 

No one was quite sure who should make the first move. They all stood in silence together for a few moments as they formed a small group. She was trying to put on the Commander Shepard mask and take charge but found that it wasn’t coming to her as easily as she remembered it. Liara was the first to make a move and held out open arms to Shepard who gladly accepted the hug. Vega came up behind her and hugged them both before the entire crew slowly joined to form one massive group hug. Javik stayed off to the side and rolled his eyes while Joker called out that he was opting out of breaking any bones. 

“They didn’t tell us you were alive,” Liara said quietly. “I cannot believe that you are here.” 

“Neither can I.” Shepard let the tears fall, no longer caring about being strong or put together or brave. The fact that so many of them had made it through such a horrendous war was nothing short of miraculous. The things that they had been through together were indescribable. Shepard heard a few others sniffling in the group, and Garrus was making a quiet keening sound. 

“Oh come on you sappy pyjacks,” Wrex boomed. “We saved the galaxy and we’re back together again. Let’s get some drinks!” 

They could not help but laugh as the group slowly separated themselves from one another. The mass of them began walking into headquarters and joined the party. Liara held onto Shepard and the pair slowly made their way over.

“Shepard, I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’re alive—the blast, when we left you behind, I—we—we mourned your loss on the ship,” she said quietly. 

“I should have died,” Shepard said without thinking. She felt Liara’s grip tighten on her arm. “I mean, I’m not—I’m glad I’m not dead. It’s just that a lot has happened.” 

Liara nodded beside her but did not push farther. She could wait until after they had enjoyed some food and drinks. There would be lots of time to catch up. 

The room was full of people jostling to speak with the Normandy’s crew. Shepard found it rather overwhelming, but she tried her best to wade through the staff and deflect any questions about where she had been for the past year. Most people who had not heard about her reappearance at the Reaper site assumed that she had been on the Normandy, a story that she let them continue to believe.

Shepard found a quiet corner behind the staircase and took a few moments for herself. She took a few deep breaths as she pulled Cullen’s coin out of her pocket. It was well worn and she easily imagined him running his thumb over it as he fretted about something. It made her laugh, and then quickly feel sad. This was all she had left of him. “What am I doing here?” she said quietly. 

“Under the stairs you mean?” Garrus’ warm dual-toned voice startled her and she shoved the coin back into her pocket. He laughed. “Didn’t think I’d ever be able to get the jump on Commander Shepard.” 

“Guess my skills aren’t that sharp anymore,” she joked flatly. Garrus’ mandibles flared in that way that told her he was curious. “I’m sorry G—it’s good to see you.” 

Shepard smiled at him and reached out her hand and he took it in his taloned one. In the one night that they had spent together before going through the Omega 4 Relay they had had some time to work out the cross-species interaction. She had forgotten how warm his body was, even through gloves. 

“Missed you, Shepard. It was strange being on the Normandy without you. Felt all wrong.” 

Shepard chuckled at that. “Well I left her in good hands. Seems like you all did fine without me.” 

She realized that she was still holding his hand and quickly let go, playing with her braid to keep her hands occupied. Garrus would always be the person that she trusted most, her best friend, but she no longer held romantic feelings for him. Their time had passed, and she recalled that he and Tali had gotten together shortly before the final assault on the Reapers. 

“It's different, your frin—uh, hair.” Garrus reached out to touch her braid, which now hung well past her shoulders.

“Oh, yeah, I guess I wanted a change,” she said evasively. 

She felt awkward for avoiding the truth with Garrus. He was the one person that she talked to about almost everything. He could sense that something was not right.

“What happened Shepard? After the Crucible? We left you behind—we all thought you were dead.” 

It was déjà vu, this conversation that she kept having over and over again. She was running out of ways to deflect. He was waiting patiently for her to respond and she knew that he could outlast her. He was a sniper; he would wait as long as he had to to get the kill shot. Shepard swallowed nervously, unsure of what to say. She was ridiculously happy to see that the crew were still alive and that the Reapers were truly gone, but she was reeling from the heartbreak of leaving behind a man that she had loved. A man that no one knew existed. She had been in an entirely different world for a couple of years, their time, fighting a war against an evil magical being. Anyone who heard the story would likely send her for a psych evaluation. 

“I can’t talk about it Garrus. I’m not ready,” she replied honestly. 

Garrus nodded, a distinct human habit that he had likely picked up from her. “Well, when you are ready, you know where I’ll be.”

“Thanks G.” She gave the Turian a hug, relishing the comfort of the bond between them. She knew that he would understand. “I heard the ship went down on an unknown planet.” 

“We barely made it out of the blast radius,” Garrus responded. “We made an FTL jump and that’s when we lost EDI. We had a rough landing planet side and were stranded for a while. You probably got most of the details from the Alliance.”

Shepard went rigid at the mention of EDI. It was one more thing weighing on her conscience. 

Their conversation was interrupted by the clinking of glasses in the main hall. The crowd went quiet as Admiral Hackett addressed them. 

“We are here to celebrate the return of those who ended the most devastating war known to humankind. We owe them a debt that can never be repaid. Please join me in raising a glass to the inter-species crew of the Normandy, and their fearless leader Commander Shepard!” 

The crowd erupted into cheers and applause. Garrus pulled Shepard back into the main hall with him so that they could rejoin the group. They spent a few more moments socializing before Alliance staffers asked to escort them to the boardroom. The entire crew was gathered up and waited patiently for Hackett. She was surprised to see Jack in the room before remembering that the powerful biotic had been working for the Alliance during the war. Shepard gave Jack a quick hug, which she returned with feigned disgust.

Joker took the opportunity to address Shepard quietly, hoping not to draw attention. He had spent the past fourteen months blaming himself for her death, for not being able to pick her up from the Citadel. The guilt had been gnawing at him, and without EDI to talk to about it he had let it fester. Seeing her alive was a shock and a relief. She took his apology in stride and told him not to worry about it. No one could have made it down to recover her, she said. It was good that he had saved the crew. Shepard looked as though she wanted to say more but she was silenced as Hackett entered the room. 

“I can understand that you have had an extremely difficult journey to make it back here,” he began. “The Alliance wishes to thank you for your service on behalf of all of humanity. You have accomplished something extraordinary and have been the leading example for inter-species cooperation. The galaxy will not soon forget all that you have done.”

“Why am I sensing a ‘but’, Admiral?” Joker asked. 

“The war has left its mark. We still have ships stranded on earth, and the relays and the Citadel are still non-functioning. We’re close to having things up again, but I won’t lie to you, the situation between species is tense. We need allies and advocates right now. We won the war but we are still threatened by political infighting.” 

Shepard let out an empty laugh. Some things never changed. It reminded her of Cullen and his complaints about the Orlesians and their ridiculous political intrigues. She had watched him blush as she read through a few of the marriage requests he had received after the Winter Palace. Shepard shook herself out of her thoughts when she realized that all eyes were on her. 

“Sorry sir,” she said quickly. 

Hackett moved on to updating them about the restoration project and repairs. He informed the crew that they would be provided with accommodation in prefab units that had been erected in a demolished part of the city. It was private and would offer them a bit of separation. Each species would be reconnected with their own governments in the makeshift headquarters that had been established in London and would be required to report in to them immediately. Shepard supposed that meant that she would be required to report in to the Alliance. Hackett dismissed the group and left the crew on their own in the meeting room. 

They all stood around for a moment and watched Shepard, waiting for her to take charge and address them. It took her a few moments to realize what was happening. In Thedas she essentially served as Cullen’s executive officer, taking orders from him or from the Inquisitor directly. It had been a relief not to have to be in charge and now she found it difficult to accept her positional authority had been reinstated. 

“Right,” she said, moving to the front of the room. “The Reapers are gone, but we still have work to do. Whatever comes next, we’re going to see it through together.” 


	5. The Only Thing

Cullen threw himself back into his work, trying his best to ignore the way his chest ached without her. He had been a Templar, a member of an organization which was highly disciplined and dependent upon soldiers following strict schedules. Commanding the Inquisition’s army would be no different. He allowed himself very little distraction and found himself pulling away from the core members of the Inquisition. The Iron Bull and the Chargers assisted with training drills and Inquisitor Trevelyan would meet with Cullen frequently to go over mission reports and troop movements. On rare occasions Cullen would allow himself the opportunity to play a game of chess with Dorian when the mage was in Skyhold and not out travelling with the Inquisitor. Cullen had been distressed, however, to learn that he would be losing his closest friend from the Inquisition. 

Cassandra had been elected Divine shortly after Corypheus’ defeat and Shepard’s departure. Cullen was torn as he had not wanted Cassnadra to leave, but knew that she would care deeply about her new role and would not become obsessed with the power that it offered. It had placed a strain on her relationship with Varric which was to be kept secret due to the scandal that it would cause. The Divine was supposed to be unmarried and, according to the general public, unattached. Cassandra had scoffed at this and told Varric that nothing would keep them apart for long. Cassandra wrote Cullen as often as she could, though it was hardly the same as seeing her nearly every day. He had felt far more comfortable confiding in Cassandra than anyone else—save perhaps Shepard—and without her it felt more difficult to let go of the things that occupied his mind. 

“You are moping again,” Dorian said, breaking Cullen away from his thoughts. They sat in the garden of Skyhold with the beautiful outdoor board that the Inquisitor had installed.

“I do not _mope_ ,” Cullen responded as he moved a chess piece. “I was strategizing.” 

Dorian laughed and made his own move. “Your brow is so furrowed that I am afraid it will get stuck. Rather unfortunate thing to happen to such a handsome face.” 

Cullen rolled his eyes before surveying the board once more. Dorian liked to press his buttons, though it was generally done with good intention. He also happened to be one of the most skilled chess players that Cullen encountered, with the exception of his own sister Mia, so it was worth the prodding. They continued playing in silence for a while. 

“Varric is leaving you know. Back to Kirkwall,” Dorian said. 

“He mentioned that to me this morning.” Cullen moved a piece into place as he tried to maneuver a checkmate.

“Have you ever thought of going back? Perhaps you could go with him. I feel that the two of you could empathize with one another.” Dorian evaded the checkmate and retaliated with one of his own.

“Cassandra and Varric will still see each other,” Cullen said. He sighed, rubbing his temple as he felt a headache forming. “Kirkwall is not a place I wish to return to. There is nothing for me there.”

“It does not seem that there is anything here for you either, my friend,” Dorian said quietly. He watched Cullen carefully. The Commander’s jaw tensed and he shook his head.

“I have my work, Dorian.”

“Not for long, if rumours are to be believed.”

Cullen felt the frustration creeping in. “If the Exalted Council is to happen I will worry about it when the time comes. The Inquisition may yet remain.” 

He was unsure of Dorian’s motivations for pressing the conversation. He knew that Dorian was skirting around the topic of Shepard. They had had an unspoken agreement not to talk about it; Cullen had been angry when he first discovered Dorian’s involvement in the magic that allowed Shepard to return home. After the rage had dissipated he realized that he could hardly fault Dorian—there was no stopping Shepard when she had put her mind to something. 

“I have been doing further research on the time magic you know.” Dorian had tried to say it casually but Cullen noted the apprehension in his voice. “Perhaps it might be possible—”

“—Dorian, enough. I am hardly a starry-eyed boy. I do not need you filling my head with impossible things.” He tried to focus on the game, signalling to Dorian that he no longer wished to discuss this.

Dorian watched in frustration as Cullen’s shoulders tensed and his brow furrowed. The man was stubborn to a fault, which could be a great quality when you wanted someone determined to succeed, but a horrendous one when you wanted them to open up about their feelings. Dorian knew that Cullen had been struggling without Shepard, as though all of the light had gone out of his life. 

“Cullen, if it were possible, would you go to her?” 

Cullen never intended to ever let go of his thoughts of Shepard, though he hoped that eventually he would feel her loss less acutely. He wanted to say that he would go—absolutely, immediately, without question—but it did not serve him to fall prey to such fantasies or his grief would be infinite.

Instead he said, “Dorian, if you keep pressing this I will stop playing with you.”

“Stubborn ass,” Dorian pouted. He chose to remain silent on the topic of Shepard. 

 

***

Eventually the Inquisition’s time ran out. As Corypheus slowly faded from memory and order was restored throughout southern Thedas attentions shifted toward determining the Inquisition’s future. It was a power which rivalled any nation and had gained strong support from people across the continent. They had known that this time would come. Without an imminent threat to protect them from, the world leaders had become more concerned with the Inquisition’s resources and capabilities. Ferelden called for its disbandment while Orlais wished to see it bow in servitude. The Exalted Council had been an inevitability. 

Cullen had spent the past two years diligently working to improve and maintain the Inquisition’s forces. He was proud of the fact that it rivalled any army in Thedas, though this was one of the main reasons that the Council had been called by the Divine. Cassandra had stalled them for as long as she could but the nations demanded a response. 

He hated these political affairs, all posturing and arguments. Everyone wanted the power and no one wanted to do any of the work. He pulled at his uniform jacket as he adjusted it once more. He wished that they would at least let him wear his sword; he felt naked without the usual complement of armour and weapons. Josephine told him that it made him look too _aggressive._ The only benefit of the entire council was the opportunity to see Cassandra again. 

“You look tired Cullen.”

“You look _lovely_ , your grace,” he joked, drawing out one of her patented scowls. It seemed at odds with the flowing robes and towering hat. 

“The letters you send keep getting shorter and shorter,” Cassandra continued. “I am concerned for you. I cannot say what will happen after this Council concludes. What will you do?” 

Cullen shook his head. He had been getting these questions from far too many people. The entire Inquisition rippled with whispers about what was to become of them. 

“I will worry about it when it comes to pass. If the Inquisition remains I will hope to remain with its army. If it is disbanded as Ferelden wishes, I will worry about it then.” 

Cassandra was watching him closely as he spoke, her skills as a Seeker still actively searching out the truth. “Dorian told me that he has been doing some research—”

“Maker’s breath Cassandra, not you too! I told him to give that up long ago.”

“Cole told you that she is alive. Why not try?”

Cullen took a deep breath and began pacing. He was not sure why they were all so determined to have him buy into the ridiculous notion that he could be reunited with Shepard. 

“Cassandra, this is foolish. Dorian does not know for sure that this will work, the Inquisition is on the brink of being disbanded, and I have no idea whether Shepard would even want to see me again. If I were to go I would guarantee losing everything that I have here,” Cullen said. He could feel the anger boiling over inside of himself, the feelings that he had been pushing down finally coming to the surface. 

“Cullen, for everything you gain you lose something else. You do not need to seek redemption any longer. You are allowed to be happy,” Cassandra said. “I would not suggest it if I could not see how miserable you are. It has been two years since she has left and little has changed.” 

He was defeated, no longer willing to argue the point with her. His mind spun with the possibility of being reunited with Shepard. 

“I will consider it—after the Council has concluded,” he conceded.

Cassandra squealed in delight. “That is all I ask, Cullen.”

 

The Exalted Council began and its proceedings were nearly immediately interrupted by a Qunari invasion plot and the so-called Agents of Fen’Harel. The Inquisitor was tasked with the investigation and it had been up to Josephine and Cassandra to stall things as long as they could. Cullen supported the efforts as best he could and awaited updates in the Winter Palace. The Inquisitor eventually returned with troubling information. They were going to disable the Qunari’s Dragon Breath plot, and Inquisitor Trevelyan had found information that suggested that Solas was the agent of Fen’Harel that they were searching for.

Dorian pulled Cullen aside while the Inquisitor was making preparations. 

“I think I have found a way,” he said quietly. 

“Honestly Dorian, now is not the time!” 

Dorian placed a hand on each of Cullen’s shoulders as he looked him squarely in the eyes. “Actually, now is precisely the time. We have discovered this magnificent library that is part of the Crossroads, a great network of Eluvians. Morrigan previously told Maxwell that it leads to _in-between_ places and was rather cryptic about it,” Dorian laughed.

Cullen gave an exasperated groan and Dorian continued.

“Right, anyway, in lieu of the Breach, I believe that we can use this network to act as a bridge. Maxwell can charge one of the Eluvians with energy from his mark and I can cast the same spell that I used for Shepard.”

Cullen’s stomach was filled with a nervous excitement that made him nauseated. He could hardly believe that it might be possible. “This can wait, Dorian. It is hardly so important that it needs to be done now,” he responded.

“Actually, it is rather a now-or-never kind of situation, dear friend. We cannot be sure what comes next when we confront the Qunari or Solas. Should anything happen, or should access to the Crossroads be lost, we will never have this opportunity again.”

“This is utter madness,” Cullen said.

He paced around the room lost in thought. He could not leave the Inquisition at such a time, not when the Qunari threatened to invade. How would it look if the Commander of the Inquisition’s army vanished on the brink of such a crisis? Yet for the many reasons he could think to stay, Cullen was not compelled by any of them. He found himself thinking of Shepard and the remarkable connection that had existed between them. She was all fire and determination, and Cullen had slipped into an intimacy from which he would never recover. He wondered if her thoughts were as preoccupied with their relationship as his were.

“An old name burns inside armour that shouldn't fit, lit by faces of people she couldn't save.” Cole appeared with another one of his cryptic riddles. For once Cullen did not scold the spirit for the intrusion.

“Cole, time is running out and I am not sure what to do. Is there some way that you can help?” Cullen asked tentatively. He old Templar trainers would be shocked to know that he was asking a spirit for guidance.

“In love there is no because,” Cole responded. 

“I cannot simply leave everything behind,” Cullen said. 

“Are you stuck?” the spirit asked.

“What? No, I am not _stuck,_ but as the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces I have responsibilities.” 

Cole sighed, “She knows that duty will always come first. She asked if you two could ever be anything other than soldiers.” 

Cullen felt as though he had taken a blow from a shield. Cole had seemingly pulled Shepard’s words from thin air, bringing up something she had said during the first night they had spent together. He had hardly believed that he could be anything else until Shepard showed him that it may be possible. 

“Andraste preserve me,” Cullen said as Cole disappeared. 

The Inquisitor’s inner circle had gathered to prepare for the final attack on the Qunari. Trevelyan would be taking a small group with him and the rest would remain as the first line of defense for the Winter Palace and the national leaders. Cullen sought out Dorian immediately and told him that he intended to join them and be sent through the eluvian to try and find Shepard. 

“Splendid!” Dorian beamed. “I shall make the preparations at once.”

Cullen leaned against the cool stone wall and took some deep breaths as he tried not to reason his way out of what he was doing. He could feel the doubt creeping in on the edges of his mind. 

“I’m proud of you Curly.” Varric calmly leaned against the wall beside Cullen. “Going after the one you love.” 

Cullen nodded slowly. Varric had spent the past year or so living in Kirkwall and acting as Viscount for the city state. He and Cassandra saw each other as often as they could, and Varric wrote to her constantly, trying in the best way that they knew how to preserve the love that had grown between the two of them.

“I can scarcely believe what I am about to do,” Cullen stammered out. “The Inquisition, the army, it—.”

“Will be just fine,” Varric interjected. “Rylen is a good replacement, and at any rate we don’t know how much longer this thing will stay together. A lot of us have already moved on. It’s time for you to move on too.” 

Cullen had known Varric longer than most of the members of the Inquisition, though they had not known each other half as well during their time in Kirkwall. Cullen trusted Varric and, in spite of the dwarf’s ability to make a half-truth into a believable story, felt that he would be honest when asked for sincere advice.

“What if she does not want to be with me?” Cullen asked quietly.

Varric chuckled. “You’re about to throw yourself into a magical time rift, hoping you can land in the right time and place, and that’s what you’re worrying about?”

Cullen sighed with frustration and Varric put his hands up in defeat. “Alright, I forgot how you feel about jokes.” He turned to face Cullen and spoke with a rare, serious tone. “You and Shepard should have been impossible, right? The two of you never should have met, never should have been together, and yet here you are loving her two years after she’s left.”

“This is supposed to make me feel better?”

“Listen Curly, all I’m saying is that it’s never too late to be what you might have been. Doesn’t matter if its in our world or hers. If you’re still thinking about her, I guarantee that she’s still thinking about you.”

The two men shook hands. “Thanks Varric. For everything.” 

“Curly, you'd better make damn sure that she knows why you left us.” 


	6. Little Wanderer

The first few of weeks were a blur. Shepard was debriefed by Hackett and attended many meetings with what remained of Alliance Command. She had been asked to report the events that had occurred from the time she entered the Reaper beam to the Crucible’s blast. She tried to keep things clear and direct, focusing specifically on the chronology of events. It had been painful to recall Anderson’s death. Explaining the Catalyst had been a bit more difficult. She told them that it was an advanced AI program that had tried to talk her into preserving the Reapers rather than destroying them—she did not elaborate further on the conversation or the AI’s appearance. Shepard confirmed their suspicions that the blast from the Crucible had in fact destroyed all Reaper tech, including the affected geth.

The questions that Shepard could not answer were those about where she had been since the Citadel’s destruction. Alliance Command knew that she should not have survived, though no one said it directly. Shepard had been evasive and told them that she had found herself in an unknown rural area and had been taken in by a kind group of people who did not know who she was. It was not entirely a lie; she just failed to mention the inter dimensional time travel. It seemed to be enough to keep them at bay but Shepard was not sure how long that would last as they still had not reinstated her status. They had explained that before any active service the Normandy crew would be doing a victory tour of all of the species districts that had been established in London. 

Shepard was given a newly fabricated set of N7 armour specifically for the tour. It felt heavy and uncomfortable in comparison to the flexible leather armour she had gotten used to wearing in Thedas. They refused to issue her any weapons. Each time they were paraded out by the Alliance she found herself growing more frustrated. Shepard was a solider, not a politician, and she knew that there were other things she could be doing to help the restoration efforts.

Tensions were still high between the galactic races. The Citadel Council members had been scattered during the war as each of them had remained on their home planets. Although the communications repairs had allowed the three of them to reconnect, they were still seen as a disparate body that lacked any authority now that the Citadel was orbiting earth and remained non-functional. This meant that Shepard’s Spectre status remained questionable at best. Even if they councillors chose to reinstate her it was likely that very few people would recognize its authority. Faith in interspecies collaboration was waning and distrust was taking its place. 

The Normandy’s crew attempted to repair the relationships as best they could. Wrex and Eve had been keeping the Krogan in line on earth and Tuchanka respectively. The Quarians were reassured by Tali’s return, though the fleet was anxious to have the relays back online so that they could return to their newly-won home world. The Turians seemed the most at ease, understanding that this was an outcome of war, and they focused on training and preparation for the return to Palaven. Shepard had been grateful to see that Primarch Victus had made it through the final battle. 

“You are quite the human,” Victus had said as he shook her hand. “I am glad to see that the Normandy has returned to us. It gives me hope.” 

Garrus had joined the two of them for a private debrief on the Turian status and Victus was far more forthcoming than even the Alliance had been.

“Anti-alien sentiment is growing among the humans,” he began. “Had the relays remained in tact and allowed us to return to our home systems this may not have been the case, but having so many of the galaxy stranded in the Sol system has caused considerable strain.”

“Well that didn’t take long,” Garrus joked. 

“Good will only lasts for so long, Vakarian,” Victus said. 

Shepard nodded at this. “So how much have we got left, Primarch?” 

“Very little, I’m afraid.” 

He handed her a data pad which she took with some hesitation. Shepard was still getting used to being surrounded by so much tech. It felt awkward in her hands. She reviewed the report and was struck by one specific observation. 

“Cerberus?” Shepard said, incredulous. 

Garrus grabbed the data pad from her. “That’s impossible. The Illusive Man is dead.” 

“He may well be, but his organization is not,” Victus said sternly. “We have information that suggests a branch of Cerberus is still operating on earth and they may be fuelling the current tensions between humans and other species. There have not been any statements from them or attacks on their behalf, but I am concerned that this may escalate.”

“What has the Alliance response to all of this been?” Shepard asked. 

“They have said little to nothing about it, stating that the tensions are a natural result of the current situation and not the work of an organized group,” Victus said.

“Public relations bullshit,” Garrus said angrily. 

Shepard’s mind was racing as she tried to dredge up any information that she could think might be relevant. She knew that there were numerous Cerberus cells that operated independently of one another, meaning it would be nearly impossible to pinpoint the origin of this particular group unless they had more information to go on.

“Lawson,” Shepard said aloud. “Do you have any knowledge of the whereabouts of Miranda Lawson? She’s an ex-Cerberus operative that was on my crew. She wasn’t at the final battle because she was cleaning up some loose ends. Cerberus was actively hunting her on the Illusive Man’s orders.”

“I’ll see what my people can find and I’ll keep you posted,” Victus said. 

After some further conversation regarding the fleets and troops, Primarch Victus led them back to the reception where numerous Turian soldiers had gathered to meet the famed Normandy crew. A small group began forming around Garrus when they arrived and Shepard stepped off to the side, laughing. He was obviously basking in the attention as he launched into a story about how they took down a reaper on foot.

“An interspecies bonding would be quite the statement, you know.” 

Shepard had not realized that Victus had remained near her. It took her a moment to realize that he had been referring to her and Garrus. She felt her face flush red.

“No, we’re not together anymore. Er, I mean we weren’t actually together before,” Shepard stammered, garnering an amused rumble from Victus. 

“Pity,” he said. “Vakarian spoke highly of you when we were stationed on Menae, and there had been rumours, of course. During my time on the Normandy I thought there might be some truth to them.”

“We did have feelings for one another, but I ended things when the war began.” 

Victus nodded and said he understood. Shepard hoped to be able to divert his attention. “I believe that he and Tali’Zorah are in a relationship now, so you may get your interspecies bonding after all.” 

Shepard gave an uncomfortable laugh and quickly moved on from the conversation. She knew that he had good intentions, but she wondered why anyone had to concern themselves with who she was—or wasn’t—sleeping with. They had more to worry about and should be concerned with the potential Cerberus threat. Alliance Command was likely sitting on information that they weren’t sharing, but she imagined they would be hard pressed to loop her in on it. She made a mental note to ask Ash if she could get any intel. Things wrapped up fairly quickly after that and Shepard was happy to return to the Alliance compound for a reprieve. 

***

A few nights after the tour had ended the Normandy crew decided to host their own victory party. They had been told that the Sol relay would be brought online in the coming days and there was hope that they could restart the rest of the system. It would mean that the galactic races could return to their homes, though none of the crew spoke about where they would end up, aside from Wrex and Grunt who were quite vocal about returning to Tuchanka to fulfill their mating requests. 

Shepard did not want to think about what it would mean if people started leaving. When she had left Thedas it had been with the intention to see the outcome of her decisions at the end of the war, and now she felt that she had not thought far enough ahead. It seemed unlikely that the Alliance was willing to return the Normandy to her command as they had still not reinstated her. With the relay online, she may be able to have her Spectre status reinstated, but without a ship she would not be able to accomplish much. She felt trapped and was angry at herself for putting getting into this situation. She was locked up with the Alliance all over again.

“You seem pretty fired up Lola,” James said to her. She had not realized that she had been pacing around the room. A few of the crew were looking at her now and she was not ready to let them in on how she was feeling. The mask she used to wear around them came back easily enough.

“I haven’t seen active duty in a while Vega. A girl needs to blow off some steam every now and then,” Shepard replied.

She ignored the small rumble that she heard from Garrus. By all accounts he and Tali had continued their relationship and were quite happy together. Shepard had not spoken to either of them about it; whenever she got close to broaching the subject her friends would quickly deflect or retreat. She knew that the crew was trying to protect her, perhaps thinking that her feelings for Garrus had returned now that the war was over. Regardless of the awkward tension, it was a good feeling to have everyonetogether again.

“Well Lola, I could help you out with that,” Vega winked at her. “Unless you’re worried about being out of practice.” 

Shepard could not help but laugh as she thought of her regular sparring matches with Iron Bull. She briefly wondered who might win a fight between him and Vega. She smirked, knowing that she was not out of practice at all. 

“Let’s do it. Right here, right now.” 

Vega gave her a huge smile. “You’re on. No biotics though. You gotta keep it fair Commander.” 

She laughed at this. “I don’t need biotics to beat you James.”

Shepard could hear Joker calling for bets as the group went outside to the yard. They set up a makeshift ring with their companions circling around them. Dr. Chakwas rolled her eyes at them and asked that they not do too much damage to one another while Liara offered to act as the official referee.

Shepard took her place in the ring opposite James and imagined that they would be fighting with weapons that were used in Skyhold. Cullen had invested a lot of time and energy in training her in close quarters combat. Fighting with weapons like daggers, swords, and shields built upon some of the elements of the hand-to-hand training that she had been given in the Alliance while providing additional techniques. There had been days where Shepard had focused entirely on stances, postures, and repeated movements while they were reviewed by Cullen, Cassandra, or, on rare occasions, Trevelyan. Despite her initial frustrations with what she deemed archaic weapons, Shepard eventually took to the style quite well and found that it had complemented her biotic abilities. 

“Hey _hefe_ , are we doing this or what?” James pulled Shepard from her recollections as he called her to the centre of the ring. 

They bumped fists before Liara called for them to begin. Vega took a traditional boxing stance while Shepard kept one hand high and one low as though she were holding a dagger at each. She could see that Vega was giving her an odd look and that he was hesitant to attack first. Shepard pressed the advantaged and lunged toward him, feinting to his right and under his arm. She stepped around him and landed a few key hits to his thigh, kidney, and ribs as though she were making precise dagger cuts. It caught him off balance and he spun around and swung at her again. She dodged it easily, taking a step back and spinning around, placing a few precise rapid hits into Vega’s side. 

“What the hell Shepard—I thought we were fighting, not dancing,” Vega panted as he tried to land a few more jabs. 

Trevelyan had taught her that speed and precision were the two key elements of the rogue’s fighting style. It was important to be cunning enough to stay a step or two ahead of your opponent, but the execution relied entirely on the ability to make quick cuts in key areas. 

Shepard was relishing the fight, letting out the tension that had been building since she arrived. Seeing her crew members together sent a comfortable warmth surging through her. She was laughing and egging Vega on as they continued, letting up only a little so that he would think he had the advantage. He took the bait and she took the opportunity to land her final strikes, knocking him down and pinning him in place until he yielded. Those who had bet against Shepard groaned as Joker asked them to pay up.

It felt good to move like that again, and Shepard realized just how much she had missed her daily training sessions in Skyhold. The daggers she had brought back with her had been wrapped up and tucked safely away.

Shepard helped Vega back to his feet. “Well played Lola,” he said as he gave her a pat on the back. “Looks like you’ve picked up some new moves.” 

He meant it as a joke but it hit a bit too close to home for Shepard’s liking. She was relieved when she saw Garrus and Tali approaching with a couple of beers for them. She and Vega clinked bottles before taking a swig of their drinks. 

“Great moves Shepard,” Tali said.

“Thanks Tali.” Shepard gave her a warm hug.

James wandered off to talk to someone else and the three of them stood together and chatted for a while as Tali told them about the status of the Quarian Fleet. Garrus casually wrapped an arm around Tali’s waist as she spoke and Shepard smiled at the gesture. She was glad to see the two of them together and realized that any romantic feelings she once had for Garrus were definitely gone. 

The party began to disperse as a few of the crew left, though Garrus and Tali remained. After a while Liara joined them, wrapping an arm around Shepard and leaning her head against Shepard’s shoulder. 

“Missed you too, T’Soni,” Shepard laughed.

“Shepard,” Liara began carefully, “what happened to you? I have seen the images of what remains of the Citadel. A few districts were wiped out completely by the blast.” 

Shepard’s body went rigid, immediately feeling defensive, though she was not entirely sure why. These were some of her closest friends; they were more likely to believe her than anyone else was. Shepard was not sure how much she wanted to say. Her heart ached to think of Thedas, of Cullen, and the life that she had given up there. She did not think it would do well for her to dwell on it. Telling anyone about it made it too real; even the fact that Javik knew what had happened was too much. She had yet to follow up on their brief conversation and had seen little of the Prothean around the compound.

A distraught Vega interrupted her thoughts as she heard him yell across the yard. “Shepard! You’re going to want to see this,” he said as he ran up to her. “Someone landed at the Reaper site.”

“A ship?” Liara asked.

“No, a man! Dropped down right out of thin air with a flash of lightning or something.” Shepard felt her heart stop as Vega spoke again. “He’s wearing Shepard’s dog tags.”


	7. So Long Lonesome

Cullen tried not to think about the magic that crept over his skin. Dorian had told him to focus on Shepard as hard as he could, so Cullen gripped his hand around her dog tags the entire time. The trip through the rift had been quick and dizzying. He landed on hard ground as the wind was knocked out of him. Cullen took a few deep breaths and regained his footing as he readied himself for for whatever he could find. Trevelyan had been kind enough to gift him a new set of armour and weapons before helping Cullen find his way back to Shepard. 

Cullen was immediately awe-struck as he surveyed his surroundings. He was standing in a large, open area with the skeletons of massive creatures emerging from the ground. Shepard had told him about the Reapers, the enemy of her war, but he could hardly comprehend the scale of what he was seeing. Tall buildings surrounded the area, towering much higher than anything that Cullen had seen. Their looming presence filled the landscape. When it came to the subject of her world Shepard had opened up to very few people within the Inquisition. Over the course of their relationship she had slowly shared more and more with Cullen, though he had often found it difficult to picture what she described. She talked about the war with the Reapers and the crew of her sky ship, and on rare occasions she would tell him about earth. His own imaginings paled in comparison to what he now saw. 

Cullen heard a loud roar on his flank and he turned to see a massive metal beast approaching on wheels. There was no visible cover so he took a defensive position as he prepared to move. It stopped a few metres away and two people emerged holding strange weapons in front of them. Cullen raised his shield a bit higher. He hoped that these people could give him information about where he was and if Shepard was here. 

“This is the Systems Alliance police. You are trespassing in a restricted area. Lower your weapons,” one of the soldiers shouted. 

Cullen did not yield. “I am looking for Commander Shepard,” he yelled. “If you can take me to her I will put down my sword.”

The soldiers laughed at him as one of them shouted back, “Of course good sir, let me take you right to her!” 

“Please, I beg you. I need to see her. We are—were—er, friends.” Cullen cursed under his breath. He hardly sounded convincing. 

“We need to escort you off of the premises. Lower your weapons now.” 

Cullen was unsure how he should proceed. If he lowered his weapons they may attack, but continuing in his defensive stance would mean that he was actively resisting. He had come too far to give up.

“Please, you must believe me,” he pleaded. 

“Listen buddy, this is your final warning. Lower your weapons or we will be authorized to use force,” one of the soldiers said. 

Cullen knew that the situation was rapidly deteriorating. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and thought of Shepard and how desperately he wished for the chance to see her again. Cullen lowered his weapons slowly. He hoped that wherever they were taking him he would have an opportunity to find Shepard there. 

“Hands on your head,” the solider said as he approached. Cullen cooperated and did what he was asked. A strange orange glow appeared on the soldier’s arm and Cullen had to stop himself from reacting. After a moment he asked for identification.

“My name is Cullen Rutherford of Honnleath,” he replied. 

“Where is your omni tool?” 

“My what?” 

“Do you have any identification?” 

Cullen had never had his identity called into question before. “No,” he replied.

“Aren’t those your tags?” the soldier asked, motioning to Cullen’s neck. He remembered that the dog tags he was wearing had Shepard’s name on them.

“They belong to Commander Shepard,” Cullen said quickly. “She gave them to me herself. Is this proof enough that I know her?” 

The soldier paused and asked for Cullen to show them to him. Taking one hand from his head he carefully pulled the tags out from under his armour. Given the apprehension that he saw on the soldier’s face Cullen knew that he needed to press this advantage. 

“I need to see her. Shepard will be quite angry if she discovers that my attempt to contact her was impeded.”

The soldiers whispered to one another for a few moments before they determined a response. The one that had been speaking with Cullen approached him again while the other got into the armoured beast. Cullen could hear voices coming from inside, as though the soldier were speaking to someone. 

“We’re contacted a marine that Shepard knows personally to give her the message. If she isn’t here in thirty minutes we’re charging you with trespassing and obstruction.”

Cullen nodded. He knew that this was the best chance he would have. He said a silent prayer to the Maker and hoped that Shepard would find him. It felt agonizingly slow. Eventually he asked to lower his arms and his request was granted. The soldier flicked his wrist and the orange glow returned before he said that ten minutes remained. Cullen realized that he had no idea what he would say if she showed up. It had been two years since he last saw her and there was no way to know how much time had passed in her world. Even if he knew the date he would not be able to quantify the difference. 

“They’re coming,” the soldier said quietly as they heard a roaring sound approach on the horizon.

Cullen felt his stomach churn and he thought for a moment that he might be sick. Panic spread through his chest. There were two metal beasts this time. After they stopped, a number of people—and other creatures—disembarked. Shepard had told him that her crew members were all different races, in the same way that Thedas had humans, elves, dwarves, and qunari, but he did not expect them to look so strange. There was a large brutish creature in massive armour whose huge crest and scales reminded him of a dragon. Another was tall and muscular and had markings painted on its face. Cullen tried to see if he could discern who they were based on Shepard’s descriptions, though he understood now that she had not actually gone into much detail. The group moved toward him but Cullen could not yet see Shepard. After a few agonizing moments of waiting he finally saw her step down and start walking toward him. 

“Thank the Maker,” Cullen said aloud, garnering a confused look from the soldier standing with him. 

Shepard walked with purpose toward them, wearing all black armour with a fearsome red stripe painted down one arm. Her beautiful red hair was tied in braid and rested over one shoulder. Cullen knew that this was not allowed by her military—she had called it her rebellion in Thedas—and he wondered why she had not cut it.

“Holy shit,” the soldier beside him whispered as Shepard approached them alone. Her crew had stopped a metre away, were watching carefully. 

“Care to explain this, soldier?” Shepard said. Her voice was commanding, her face impassive.

“Commander Shepard, ma’am, we found this man trespassing. He said he was a friend and showed us your dog tags. Figured you’d like to talk to him yourself, ma’am.” The soldier was practically shaking as he addressed Shepard. She was a rather imposing person when she wanted to be.

“Good work. I’ll take it from here,” Shepard dismissed him. He nodded at her with a dazed expression before rejoining his colleague.

Her crew had given her enough distance to speak freely with Cullen, though he saw them watching with caution and curiosity. He was not sure how much Shepard had shared with them about where she had been. He knew, however, that this was Shepard’s world and he respected her enough to follow her lead. It felt like time had stopped around them as she stood an arms length away regarding him with careful scrutiny. Cullen’s face grew warm and he knew that he was blushing. He reached up to try and rub away the tension at the base of his neck, unsure of whether or not he should speak. He desperately wanted to reach out to her, opening his arms so that she could press herself against his chest as she used to.

“It’s actually you,” she murmured. Her face softened, eyes growing wider as they took in the sight of him.  
  
“Yes,” Cullen breathed. He did not move for fear that he may be dreaming. 

“How?” Shepard asked quietly.

“Dorian,” Cullen laughed. “It took him two years, but he did it.” 

“Two years?” 

Cullen nodded. “How much time has passed since you left?” 

She gave a short, empty laugh before she said, “About six weeks.” 

“I do not understand,” Cullen stammered. He had spent the past two years agonizing over the separation that he had caused, yet for Shepard it had only been a few months since their argument.

“That’s time travel for you,” Shepard joked stiffly. She looked uncomfortable as she occupied the space between Cullen and her crew. Shepard had been straddling both worlds since they had first met, always caught between her want to stay with him and her hope to return. For Cullen there would be no return trip; Dorian had warned him about that before he went through the rift.

“Jane,” Cullen said as he reached out a hand toward her. 

“Shepard we’ve got incoming!” one of her crew yelled. 

A moment later Cullen heard thunderous explosions as Shepard moved in front of him to block his body with hers. Cullen saw a number of soldiers dressed in black and white dropping from the sky as smoke and noise surrounded them. He grabbed his sword and shield, raising the latter so that it blocked his chest before he tried to provide cover for Shepard. She grabbed his sword arm and pulled him toward her crew. “Do not engage Rutherford, that’s an order,” she barked at him. She moved him into cover behind the metal carriage and asked one of her crew members to look after him.

“Give me a weapon Vega!” 

“Are you _loco_ Shepard? You’re asking me to babysit and you want me to give you my gun?”

She glared at the man called Vega and he complied without further comment. Shepard took the weapon and ran out into the fray, biotics flaring. Cullen remembered thinking that she was a mage when he first saw her powers, before she had explained what they were and he had felt the energy on her skin. 

“So, you uh, got a name _amigo_?” Cullen’s thoughts were interrupted by the man staring at him.

“Cullen Rutherford.” 

“Lieutenant James Vega, at your service,” James smiled. “We’re gonna sit tight behind the Mako while Shepard deals with Cerberus over there.” 

“What is a _may-co_?” Cullen asked carefully.

“Good one man,” Vega laughed as he slammed a fist on the metal behind him.

Cullen heard a roar beside him as as one of Shepard’s crew members approached James with a horrendous growl, gesturing toward Cullen and baring his teeth. 

“What in the Maker’s name,” he breathed. 

“Easy buddy, that’s just Wrex,” James said easily. 

“You understand this?” 

James was confused by the response. Cullen decided that it would be best to remain silent as he awaited Shepard’s return. He desperately wanted to see if she was alright but was not one to disobey an order. The battle ended eventually and Shepard called out that it was all clear.

Cullen stood quickly as she came around the Mako. Her armour was dirty from the fight but her face was beaming. It was easy to see that she was in her element. The crew members gathered around them, nearly all speaking languages that Cullen could not understand. Most of them did not appear human, save for one whose body was entirely blue.

“I don’t understand,” Cullen said, fumbling. This was hardly the way to make a good first impression on those who were most important in Shepard’s life. 

“Oh shit, no translator,” she said, though Cullen was not entirely sure what she meant. 

“You’re joking,” James said in response.

“No translator, no omni tool,” Shepard said. 

“What?” Cullen asked. He was confused and growing more uncomfortable. 

“It’s technology,” Shepard told him. “We wear them to be able to understand other languages.”

This was unfathomable to Cullen. All he could do was nod. James slapped Cullen on the back. “Where the hell did you find this guy Shepard?” 

“Enough, Vega. Let’s all head back up to headquarters. I’m going to need you to drop me at the prefab first.” 

They followed orders without question. Riding in the Mako was one of the most bizarre experiences of Cullen’s life. It went far faster than a carriage did and seemed to float along the road while someone steered from inside it. He looked out the window silently as he could not follow any of the conversation happening around him. After a few moments they stopped at a collection of oddly shaped houses which Cullen presumed to be the _prefab_ that Shepard had mentioned. The Mako door beside him opened and she gestured for him to get out and followed her. 

They walked up the steps to a doorway and she waved her hand over it before it slid open without her touching it. Cullen flinched at the unexpected movement.

“It’s all technology Rutherford,” she said, reading him as easily as she always had. 

“It is unnerving,” Cullen snapped. “I have no idea what is going on.” 

“It’s a lot to take in.” Shepard gave him an empathetic look as she gestured for him to sit down. “I’m going to need you to stay here for a bit.”

“What? Here?”

“I’ll need to give a report to my commanding officer. We were attacked by Cerberus, a terrorist group that I’ve dealt with before,” she explained. “It shouldn’t take long. I’m going to come back with a doctor and ask her to install a translator and an omni tool for you. Then we can talk.”

“Alright,” Cullen relented. He did not have much of a choice.

“Don’t leave this unit,” Shepard said. “I’ll be back soon.” 

With that she disappeared through the sliding door and he tried to ignore the urge to run after her. The ache in his chest could wait a little while longer.


	8. Near/Far

The door slid closed behind Shepard and she exhaled, trying to calm the panic that was rising in her chest. The shock of seeing Cullen standing in front of her had subsided, giving way to a flurry of other emotions that were now competing for space. She did not have time to deal with them. Cerberus had attacked the Reaper site and the Alliance had to be notified. It was unclear whether they had been looking for tech at the site or if they had been targeting Shepard specifically, but either way they had obviously maintained enough resources to remain a formidable concern. Shepard slid into the Mako and told Vega to drive them to headquarters. He radioed ahead to let them know that this would be top priority. 

Her friends remained silent in spite of the questions that she knew they wanted to ask. When they went into command Vega asked Shepard for his gun back and she realized that she had slung it on her back without thinking. It had been so long since she had used a gun but the muscle memory was still there.

They debriefed Hackett on the situation with Cerberus. He admitted that the Alliance had some intel regarding the growing anti-alien sentiment but claimed that they did not know Cerberus was involved. He offered to put some resources toward an investigation of the attack but, given the intel she had from the Turians, Shepard was skeptical about the Alliance response. She was also concerned that Miranda had not surfaced. Shepard generally trusted her gut and something about all of this felt off. She did not have much authority to act on anything at the moment, so it would have to be through back channels and connections. All of that would have to wait for her to deal with the former lover that she had stashed away in her apartment. 

The ride back was awkward. Liara tried to make small talk while Garrus sat silently beside Shepard. Vega was his usual chatty self, cracking as many jokes as he could fit in, though he seemed to be keeping a close eye on Shepard. The rest of the crew followed behind in the second Mako with Doctor Chakwas, who had graciously agreed to assist with their new arrival.

They came to a stop and piled out of the Makos. The group gathered around Shepard outside of the door to her prefab. She had been dreading this moment, knowing that they would be expecting an explanation. 

“So you gonna tell us who this guy is, Shepard?” Vega asked. “He showed up wearing your dog tags.”

Shepard shook her head. “His name is Cullen Rutherford and he…helped me. After the Crucible blast.”

“How did he even find you?” Ashley asked. “There’s no way you cleared the Citadel in time. We had Joker and the Normandy and _we_ barely made it.”

Shepard had known that this moment would come. The crew wanted to know how she had survived and, more importantly, where exactly she had been. She was well aware that she should have died on the Citadel; it was only natural for them to have questions. Shepard frowned, unsure how to proceed. It sounded ridiculous even for her. 

“I need you all to trust me, alright? What I’m about to say is going to sound impossible.” The group nodded their encouragement before she said, “I fell through a time rift and ended up on a different world.” 

They were shocked, remaining silent for a long time. Garrus was watching Shepard carefully and Liara’s face held a stern expression. Ashley and James looked confused. After a few minutes Wrex began to laugh, a deep rumble emanating from him. “You really had us there Shepard.” 

No one else joined him. Shepard’s biotics flared momentarily, her anger surfacing as it travelled and sparked across her skin. Wrex was still laughing as Shepard let out a growl of frustration.

“I think the Commander is rather serious,” Chakwas said calmly. 

Wrex stopped laughing and took a moment to look at Shepard. The realization that she wasserious settled on the group for a silent moment before it erupted in a cacophony of questions. _Where did you land? Did you encounter any civilizations? How did you survive? What did you do there for so long? Why is this man here?_ The entire crew was talking over one another as they tried to wrap their heads around what Shepard had just told them. They were bombarding her with more questions than she felt she could answer.

“Enough!” Shepard commanded. “We are not having this conversation here.”

“Shepard’s friend may be overwhelmed with the presence of the entire crew,” Chakwas interrupted. “The commander and I should go in first.” 

Shepard nodded and opened the door to the prefab before gesturing for Chakwas to enter. She took a deep breath and stepped through the door. Cullen stood immediately, his shield poised for an attack, but relaxed when he saw Shepard. Chakwas stepped forward and shook Cullen’s hand as she introduced herself.

“Doctor Chakwas is going to outfit you with a translator and an omni tool so that you can at least understand what everyone is saying,” Shepard said. 

Cullen sat down and followed the doctor’s orders. He seemed nervous, so Shepard tried to distract him with small talk in spite of the flutter in her chest. She explained that they were in London, a city on earth, and that these were the current quarters established by her military command. Cullen nodded silently while he watched Chakwas work. There were many other things that Shepard wanted to be able to talk to him about, none of which she felt comfortable doing until they were alone. 

“How does that feel?” Chakwas asked as she finished up. 

Cullen rubbed the spot behind his ear where the translator was implanted. “I cannot feel a thing.”

“If there’s nothing else I’ll leave you to it,” Chakwas said. “Shepard, I will try to hold off the crew for a little while but I make no guarantees.” 

Shepard gave Chakwas a sincere thank you before she exited, leaving Cullen and Shepard alone in the apartment. Cullen rubbed the back of his neck as his cheeks flushed red. It was such a familiar sight that Shepard could not help smiling. The sight of him let loose the longing that she had bottled up, but the memory of their last argument, of his rejection, still sat in the pit of her stomach. In spite of the distance between them he was here and she was trying to manage all of the feelings that were bubbling up inside of her.

“Maker this is awkward,” Cullen said. “I planned an entire conversation in my mind before I arrived here but it is not quite turning out the way I imagined.”

“What did you imagine?” Shepard asked. 

Cullen looked at her as he resolutely closed the distance between them. He reached out and gently took her hand in his. Shepard desperately wished that they had had the chance to take their armour off, if only to feel the warmth of his hand. She studied his face, that fierce determination shining in his amber eyes. 

“I was hurt that you did not tell me about Dorian’s research. I was upset that you wanted to return home, as though it was somehow a reflection of me. Of our relationship. I was unfair,” Cullen said. “The moment that I saw that flash of light hit the Breach I knew that you were gone. I felt it in the depth of my being and knew immediately that I had made a horriblemistake.” 

Shepard was not sure what to say. She had been on the fence about returning home. There were many things that she enjoyed about Thedas and the Inquisition, but she had always wondered what had happened in the wake of her destruction of the Reapers. Her argument with Cullen had tipped the scales toward returning to her home. Without him she did not feel that there would be much of a life for her after the Inquisition accomplished its mission. Things might not have been much different in Thedas than they would have been on Earth. She had taken her only chance to return to her world, or so she thought.

“How did you get here?” She was still holding his hand, not daring to let go of him.

“That is a long story. In essence, Dorian was able to work with Inquisitor Trevelyan to create another rift.”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I got that part, Rutherford, but now what? Do you have a way back?” 

He looked offended, his hand tensing around hers for the briefest moment. “There is no way back,” he said.

He was silent for a few moments as they stood together, eyes regarding one another carefully. Shepard had missed him desperately. He knew her in a way that no one else had. She and Garrus had always been in sync on the battlefield, and her team trusted her judgement implicitly, but Cullen read her like a book. She, similarly, understood him outside of his title and position; the things that made him strive to be a better man, the scars he carried with him. The fact that Cullen had come here solely for this apology crystallized in that moment: he had known that this was a one-way trip. 

“I had to try,” he said quietly. “Even if I never found you, even if it was the wrong time, even if you told me that you no longer wanted me, I had to try. In spite of what I might have told you in my anger, my feelings for you have not changed.”

Shepard nodded, trying to collect her thoughts as they raced through her mind. She had never been the best at communicating her feelings to others. Articulating how she felt and what it meant was something that she struggled with, as she had not often have that opportunity throughout her life. Thoughts and feelings were not something that came easily. Giving orders, making snap decisions, running into battle—action was something that she could handle. She stepped closer to Cullen and gently pressed a kiss to his cheek, relishing the smell of leather and cloves that she had come to associate with him. Shepard’s nose ghosted across his jaw as she pulled away and she could not help but smile as she heard Cullen stammer. 

They were interrupted by a commotion outside. The door to her apartment opened and a number of crew members flooded inside led by Doctor Chakwas. “Put her over there,” Chakwas said, gesturing to Shepard’s couch.

Vega moved through the crowd carrying a woman in his arms. He laid her down and the doctor immediately got to work. Shepard’s stomach dropped when she noticed the long, jet black hair.Shepard stepped over toward the couch and saw that Miranda Lawson was unconscious and her usually pristine jumpsuit was covered in blood.

“She showed up outside a minute ago Skipper,” Ashley said. “Passed out almost immediately. That wound is pretty bad. Garrus and Wrex are checking the perimeter to see if she was tailed.”

Shepard nodded, feeling a bit claustrophobic as the space filled with people and activity. Cullen was standing awkwardly where she had left him, obviously unsure of what he should do. She felt as though she had been living two different lives—before and after the destruction of the Reapers—and now she was unsure how to fit things together.

“Care to do some proper introductions Lola?” James gestured his head toward Cullen.

Shepard had not had the opportunity to fill Cullen in on how much her crew knew, which at this point was next to nothing. She gave him a look which asked if he was comfortable and he gave her a nod before introducing himself. 

“I am Cullen Rutherford of Honnleath in Ferelden, Commander of the Inquisition army,” he said. “Well, rather I suppose I am now the _former_ Commander. I believe that most of your names will be familiar to me, though knowing your faces would be rather helpful.” 

He seemed surprisingly calm as he heard introductions from the crew, often making comments about things that he knew about them or anecdotes that Shepard had passed on. She had shared far more than she realized, yet somehow Cullen had absorbed and catalogued it all. 

Garrus’ warm baritone voice rumbled through the room before Shepard noticed that he and Wrex had slipped inside. “So how do you two know each other? I think I missed that part.” 

“The Inquisition took me in after I landed there,” Shepard said carefully.

Cullen laughed warmly. “She _landed_ right in the middle of a battle and started destroying our enemies before fainting from blood loss.” 

Shepard smiled at the memory, though it was hardly funny at the time. She had fallen out of a fade rift into a fight with a pride demon, after which she was imprisoned by Cassandra. She looked over at Cullen and he smiled back at her knowingly. They had met for the first time after that fight when she was locked in a jail cell in Haven. It felt like a lifetime ago. 

“Sounds like Shepard!” Wrex laughed, jolting Shepard out of the memory.

“I worked with Cullen and the soldiers for just over a year. Before I came back here,” she finished quickly. 

Garrus was watching her with his keen detective gaze. She knew that he was not buying the brief summary, but Shepard did not volunteer any further information. Cullen remained quiet, though Shepard could not tell if he had noticed Garrus’ skepticism. Shepard stared back at Garrus defiantly, daring him to question her. He would likely bring it up later when they were not in a room full of crew members. The look he gave her said he knew there was more to the story.

“It sounds like a great adventure,” Tali cut in, attempting to break the tension. “I’m sure we will find time to hear more of it after we figure out what those _bosh’tets_ Cerberus were up to.”

Shepard glanced over to where Chakwas was patching up a still unconscious Miranda. They should have known better than to think that Cerberus would go down after the Illusive Man died. It would be hard to tell what their intentions might be without more intel. Hopefully Miranda would be able to offer something or the Turians would come through with what they found. Shepard knew the Alliance would not show their cards. 

“I say we root out these pyjacks and blow them to hell,” Wrex said. 

“I can use my active resources,” Liara said carefully. “We need to find out what their end game is first. The relay test is set to happen any day now and it must be part of the equation. We need to figure out what they want.” 

A plan started to come together. They would each pull on their networks and resources to carefully gather more information, though it was agreed that the Alliance would stay in the dark for now. In forty-eight hours they would reconvene to compare notes, and hopefully Miranda would be awake and able to weigh in. 

“What about him?” Garrus gestured to Cullen, who had remained a silent observer during their conversation. “Shouldn’t he go back to wherever he came from?”

“I trust him,” Shepard said, staring at Garrus questioningly. She had brought all types of people onto the ship during their suicide mission and he had hardly blinked at it.

Cullen cleared his throat. “I cannot go back, actually. Though I would like to help.” 

Garrus’ mandibles flared in surprise before his eyes narrowed. He stepped forward toward Cullen, his tall Turian form looming over him. “You’re a non-combatant. You couldn’t even help in the fire-fight with Cerberus today.”

Cullen did not seem intimidated.“I have been in training since I was twelve years old and have acted as Commander of an army. I will be able to help.” 

Cullen stood his ground, the two of them squaring off in the middle of Shepard’s cramped apartment. She could see Liara looking at her questioningly, no doubt wondering if Shepard would intervene.

“Alright boys, we get it,” Vega cut in, ending their staring contest. “Here I thought my _machismo_ was bad.” 

Shepard shook her head. “Cullen and I can work on some basic weapons training and if others want to give some pointers I’m sure we’d be happy to oblige. Let’s focus on Cerberus.” 

The air in the room had become thick with tension. She had no idea where this was coming from. Garrus had moved back to the doorway and Shepard walked toward him, grabbed him by the arm and lead him outside. She waited until the door swished closed before confronting the Turian. 

“What the hell was that, Garrus?”

Garrus crossed his arms, staring her down with his piercing blue eyes. “I could ask you the same, Shepard.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“We’ve been back for weeks and I’ve barely seen you,” he said. 

“I’ve seen you almost every day.” 

Garrus rolled his eyes. “Sure, I’ve seen you for this bullshit ‘victory tour’ they’ve got us on. I’ve seen you hanging around the prefabs when we all get together for drinks. But you’ve barely spoken to me—to any of us, really. You said almost nothing about where the hell you’ve been but suddenly this guy falls out of the sky and you’re telling us you’ve been in another world for over a year?”

Shepard could hear the deep thrum running under his words. Garrus was hurting and she had been the one to hurt him. 

“You used to tell me everything, Shepard.” 

_Not everything,_ she thought. There had been many parts of her life that had been secluded from her crew. Of everyone, Miranda probably had the most information and that was only because Cerberus had paid for it. It had never been volunteered by Shepard. Yet she knew that Garrus’ feelings were justified. Shepard had hardly spoken in any depth to anyone since they had been reunited. She was still trying to fit the persona of Commander Shepard firmly back in place, the shield that she had always hid behind, but it did not come back to her so easily. Time in Thedas had changed things.

“I know, Garrus.” Shepard moved closer to him, reaching out to put her hand on his arm. “It’s been tough being back here. Things are different since I left. I’m different.” 

Garrus nodded, his armoured hand coming up to cover the one she had placed on his arm. “You’re my best friend. I’ve still got your six.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Shepard smiled.

“So, who is that guy to you?” 

Shepard’s stomach twisted at the thought of Cullen. She did not know how to answer Garrus’ question. She wasn’t ready to talk about her relationship with Cullen, let alone unpack the feelings that went with it.

“I’m not sure,” was all she would say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to send a big thank you for the kudos and comments. Your encouragement is greatly appreciated and I hope you continue to enjoy this story!


	9. My Heart's Always Yours

Cullen’s hand skimmed across the expanse of skin that Shepard had kissed. Though they had not had the opportunity to finish their conversation, the kiss had given him hope. Cullen had been agonizing over the mistake of letting her go for two years, yet for Shepard the pain that he inflicted was still from recent memory. 

Everything about her world was overdone; the lights were too bright and the sounds overwhelmed his ability to think. Inside was grey, minimal, and lacking windows. The people were overwhelming too. Shepard had told him a bit about each of them, yet meeting them in person was an entirely different experience. The space behind his ear itched where the translator had been implanted. He was not sure exactly how it worked, only that he could now understand Wrex’s growling as a voice spoke in his ear. 

Shepard and Garrus had stepped outside for a few moments to talk. Garrus had been posturing though it hardly bothered Cullen. Shepard and Garrus had history and he was her best friend. The situation was no doubt a delicate one. Cullen had almost immediately picked up on the fact that Shepard had not told anyone about him, let alone where she had been for the past year. He should not have been surprised. From the moment he met her she had been an extremely private person who kept her thoughts and feelings closed off. Cullen had discerned that she had a rather close relationship with all of her crew, though it seemed that it was one built out of the kind of mutual trust and respect that came from being together in battle. It seemed unlikely that she shared her innermost feelings with any of them. It gave him a strange sort of pride as he thought back to all of the nights spent hidden in her quarters at Skyhold where she would shake off nightmares by whispering secrets to him as she lay on his chest. 

“This must be very overwhelming,” a soft voice said, interrupting his thoughts. Liara gave him a gentle smile and he was thankful for her kindness. Most of the crew were giving him a wide berth. 

Cullen smiled back at her. “Yes, a bit.”

“It is rather shocking for us too. Though I would be curious to hear more about your world and your people—when you have had time to settle in, of course.” 

_Settle in._ Cullen was struck by the statement. He had not had more than a moment alone with Shepard to talk about things and was quite unsure what _settling in_ might look like. The only guarantee he had was that he could not return to Thedas. He had not thought about much more than his apology to Shepard. He was quickly realizing that that may have been an oversight. 

Liara must have noticed the concern on Cullen’s face as she quickly changed the subject, asking him whether or not anyone had set up his omni tool. 

“My what?” 

“Your omni tool,” she said, pointing to his wrist. “Doctor Chakwas outfitted you with one. It’s a computer that uses a holographic interface. You can access the extranet and any communications from there.” 

“I don’t understand what half of those words mean,” Cullen stammered. 

“May I?”  
  
Cullen held out his wrist and Liara brought up her own, a bright orange light spinning up around it. She began to press the buttons that appeared and the light appeared over Cullen’s own wrist, making him jump with surprise. _It’s technology,_ Shepard’s voice echoed through his head. He tried not to panic and reminded himself that it was not magic. 

“What do I do with this?” 

“Well I’ve just given you the addresses for the entire squad, should you need them. This means that you can communicate with any of us by looking us up in the contact list. It will immediately connect you through audio or video communication, or you can send us an instant message.”

“Instant? Right now I could send you something and you would receive it _instantly_?” 

Liara quickly typed something into her omni tool. A second later Cullen heard a _ping_ sound on his wrist and a message popped up that said _Hello, this is Liara._

“By the Maker,” Cullen breathed. This was unbelievable. 

“You can also access the extranet,” Liara said. “It’s a collection of information about almost anything you can think of, including history, literature, science—well, everything, really. As if every book you’ve ever read could be accessed almost immediately.”

Cullen’s eyes widened at the thought. “Is Shepard on the extranet?”

Liara laughed at this, then coughed when she realized that he had been asking a serious question. “She’s the ‘Saviour of the Galaxy’. She’s all over the extranet.”

“How might I find that?”

“Here, just type in Commander Shepard and it should bring you to a list of things. But don’t believe everything you read on the extranet.”

Cullen took a cursory glance at the titles that came up. This would be something that he would explore later when he had some time to get to learn how to use this tool. 

“Why does no one use her first name?” Cullen asked.

“No one knows her first name. Well, very few I suppose. Anyone who does know it wouldn’t dare use it,” Liara said.

“Er, right, of course."

Cullen vividly remembers the first time she told him her first name, asking him to use it in place of Shepard. It was right before she had kissed him for the first time. He had treated it as though it were a precious gift she had entrusted to him, using it only when they were alone together. Cullen heard the swish of the door as Shepard entered the apartment with Garrus close behind her. She immediately approached the doctor for an update on the woman they called Miranda,who remained unconscious.

“We may need to take her to a medical facility, Commander. She needs time to recover,” Chakwas said.

“We can’t involve the Alliance,” Shepard said. “There has to be somewhere else we can take her.” 

“If we can get levo supplies we can take her to Turian HQ,” Garrus said. “You might want someone familiar to stay there until she wakes up.”

Cullen was not sure what _Turian HQ_ was but Shepard seemed to agree with Garrus’ suggestion. She asked the doctor what she needed and they exchanged a few words before deciding on a course of action. Everyone in the room awaited Shepard’s command, listening intently to the orders she gave and the decisions that she made. Cullen was amazed by the unspoken trust that was held between them all.

“Alright we all know the plan. This is a covert op. That means Normandy crew members only. No Alliance interference,” Shepard said. 

“Admiral Hackett wasn’t entirely buying that debrief,” Ashley said. “They’re going to have eyes on you.”

“They’ll want to know about your boy too,” Vega said. “There will be a lotta questions when they see him in that get up.”

Cullen blushed as all eyes on the room turned toward him. He suddenly felt very self conscious about his armour. Thankfully Liara interrupted to say that she could procure him some clothing and Cullen smiled at her in return. 

“I could find a place for him to lay low,” Liara said carefully, her eyes on Shepard. 

“He stays with me.” Cullen noticed that Shepard’s firm assertion had garnered a few curious looks. He had trouble reading Garrus’ expression, unsure what he and Shepard had spoken about outside. 

“Whatever you say Shepard. We can all play along with the friend story,” Garrus droned sarcastically.

“Noted Vakarian. Now if you could please assist the good doctor in moving Miranda, I would be grateful.” 

Cullen was relieved when the group began to disperse, slowly saying their goodbyes and filtering out carefully. Shepard was standing at the door to say goodbye to each of the crew members as they left. Cullen remained standing in the space, feeling very self conscious when only he and Shepard remained. He was unsure if he should pick up their conversation where it had left off. She spoke first.

“We’d best get you out of that armour in case someone comes poking around. Liara will come by tomorrow with a replacement for you.”

Shepard gestured for him to follow her into another room, which happened to be her bedroom. He stayed near the door, unsure of the appropriate protocol. Shepard knelt by her bed and pulled a large box out from underneath it.

“We can keep your armour tucked away in here.” She pulled off the lid and he noticed a bundle of cloth inside. She pulled back the corner of it to reveal two beautiful, familiar hilts. 

“Your daggers,” Cullen said. He had commissioned them as a gift for her after she had saved his life at the battle at Adamant Fortress.

Shepard smiled as she covered them back up. “Take off your armour and pack it up in here. We should probably put away your sword and shield too.” 

Cullen frowned at the thought that he would be entirely defenseless. 

“We can do some training tomorrow,” Shepard said. He heard a hissing sound as she began taking off pieces of her own armour and storing them in a cabinet. 

Cullen began to remove his armour before being caught up in the familiarity of it. He stopped as memories came flooding back. During the time when they were closest to one another it had been a nightly routine for them to remove and store their armour while talking and laughing about their respective days. He was unsure whether he should retreat from the room and give her privacy or act nonchalant and continue to undress. It took a few moments to realize that Shepard had also stopped removing her armour and was watching his awkward tableau. 

“This is a bit strange, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Cullen said quietly. 

“I think we should continue our talk from earlier. Let me finish up here, you can get comfortable, and then we’ll chat.” 

Cullen stepped out into the living room to give Shepard some privacy. The furniture in thespace was oddly shaped and it felt cold and uninviting. There were many things that he did not recognize that he would have to ask Shepard about. A table and chairs were tucked away in a space that he thought might be the kitchen, though with the lack of a fire it was hard to tell where the food might be cooked.

“It’s all yours,” Shepard said as she padded over to him in bare feet. She was wearing black leggings and a strange covering that was open in the middle. It had the same red and white stripe as her armour running down her right arm.

Cullen walked back to the bedroom and removed his armour, carefully laying it out in the box that Shepard had left open. Once he had finished he retrieved his sword and shield, packed them up in the box, and slid it back under the bed. He was left wearing a linen tunic and thick wool leggings.

He returned to the living space to find Shepard pouring two cups of tea. He sat down at the table as she handed him a steaming mug before dropping down across from him with a sigh. 

“Are you alright?” he asked softly. 

He reached a hand out across the table before he could realize what he was doing. It had been a reflex, the muscle memory and old habits returning without thought. Before he could pull back she slipped her hand into his, then her eyes quickly moved between Cullen’s hand and his face as she blushed and removed her hand.

“It’s been a tough day. I certainly was not expecting you to show up, and I had hoped that I’d never have to hear the word _Cerberus_ ever again.” She wrapped both hands around her mug for a few moments.

Cullen remained silent as he tried to piece together what he might say to her. She had not said that his presence was unwanted, only that it was a surprise. Things felt oddly disjointed, the conversation they had never had filling the space between them.

“I think we should talk about what happened in Skyhold. In my office,” Cullen started. Shepard raised an eyebrow up at him and he could feel his face go red immediately as he realized that many things had happened between them in that office. “Maker no, not that—I mean, that was great, really wonderful. Er, what I meant was, er, the last time we were in my office together. Well, not together, but—”

“When you broke up with me?” Shepard interrupted, still staring at her mug. 

“Yes,” Cullen said quietly. It was a moment that he vividly remembered, carrying around the shame of it for two years. He played it over in his mind so frequently that he had the scene memorized. The worst part was watching her beautiful green eyes go glassy with tears that she refused to cry before she stormed out of his door.

There had been weeks of time between that door closing and Shepard leaving Thedas forever. He had had countless opportunities to approach her or try and talk about what had happened. Instead he chose to stay resolute his anger in an attempt to feel vindicated by the fact that she had withheld things from him. 

“I do not know how I can convey my regret for what happened between us. I was unfair to you because of how I felt. It was not how that conversation should have gone,” Cullen said.

“I think you being here tells me a bit about how important this is to you.” Shepard sighed as she leaned forward to rest her face against one of her hands. “I should have trusted you to let me make my own decision. Trust isn’t easy for me. It never has been. That doesn’t mean I should have kept things from you.”

It felt like a stalemate, but at least it was out in the open now. They had both acknowledged their pain, as well as the actions that may have affected one another. The only problem was that Cullen was unsure where things went from here. When he had left Thedas he had briefly imagined giving a beautiful, heart-wrenching apology that made her realize that she still loved him in spite of everything that fell apart between them. It sounded worse than one of Cassandra’s romance serials and he had known that it would not be like that in truth. He imagined the conversation, but did not think of where it might lead.

“Wondering what happens next?” Shepard asked.

“I do not want you to be responsible for me,” Cullen said. “I made this decision of my own accord having intended to apologize and now I will live with the consequences.” 

“All this way just for an apology Rutherford?” Her deep green eyes were fixed on him as she waited for a response. 

In truth he could not imagine a life without her and his secret hope was that she would want to be with him too, though he dared not think it. 

“It felt empty without you.”

Shepard was giving him a strange look that he could not decipher. “You’re stuck here, right?”

Cullen nodded. 

“I’m still processing all of this and I think that I’ll need some time. The problem is that we’re kind of stuck together in this apartment for the foreseeable future until I figure out what the hell Cerberus is up to and put a stop to them,” Shepard said. 

Cullen’s hands suddenly felt quite warm and he noticed that he had been gripping onto the mug that Shepard had given him. He removed a hand and nervously began rubbing away the tension building at the back of his neck while he waited for her to speak again. 

“You’re new to this world, you and I have a lot of history, and I’m trying to figure my shit out. It kind of feels like a recipe for disaster. You and I can catch up with one another, I’ll teach you about my world, and we’ll see how it goes” 

Cullen knew that she was not wrong. There was a lot that had happened between them that they needed to navigate. He would continue in her world as best he could. He stretched out a hand toward her and they shook on it.


	10. On Paper

The Normandy’s victory tour had ended as they waited for the final relay testing, which meant that Shepard had a fair amount of free time. She was sure that the Alliance was keeping an eye on her so she tried to maintain a regular schedule and let the rest of the crew gather intel.

After Liara had found a suitable wardrobe to help him blend in, Cullen began attending training sessions at the gym with Shepard and the rest of the crew. Tali had been helping him get accustomed to the omni tool while Vega had been quite excited to get Cullen into weapons training. Cullen seemed to be picking things up quickly and enjoying the time that he was spending with some of the crew members. Shepard was glad that he was getting the opportunity to connect with her friends if only because it gave her the opportunity to avoid him.

Being around Cullen was far more difficult than Shepard thought it might be. For the past couple of months she had been trying to let go of him, believing that they were separated between worlds and that she would never see him again, yet here he was staying in her apartment. They had successfully made it through nearly a week of cohabitation. Cullen dutifully stayed on the couch—as an old friend would, she reminded herself—and settled into a routine fairly quickly. He wanted to learn everything about Shepard’s world and was fascinated by all kinds of technology, often reading extensively on his omni tool. After she had taught him how to start the shower she could not stop laughing at the look of wonder he had on his face. Afterward Cullen told her that he finally understood what she had meant in Skyhold when she said she would kill for a shower. It quickly became his favourite morning ritual, and Shepard found herself wondering what it might be like if she asked to join him. 

A hard hit knocked Shepard onto her back and out of her daydreaming as she landed on a training mat. “Shit, Skipper are you alright?” Ashley said as she leaned over to pull Shepard up.

Shepard brushed herself off. “Sorry, guess I was a bit distracted.” 

“I can see why Skip.” Ashley grinned as she shot a glance over her shoulder to where Cullen was chatting with Wrex. Shepard was thankful that they had not noticed her blunder.

“Stow it LT.” Shepard could feel her cheeks warming up.

Ashley’s smile grew wider and she lowered her voice. “What’s the deal with you two anyway? You’ve been pretty tight lipped about it.” 

“That’s because there’s nothing to say.” Shepard rolled her shoulders and started to stretch. She saw Ashley’s eyes narrow, as though inspecting Shepard more directly would make her bare her soul. Shepard did not speak. 

“You mean right now there’s nothing to say,” Ashley joked. “You telling me there wasn’t anything to say before?”

“Ash.” Shepard flashed a look that said it was an off-limits subject. 

Ashley raised her hands in surrender. “All I’m saying is you don’t do inter dimensional travel for just anybody.”

Shepard snuck a glance back at Cullen. _No, I suppose you don’t,_ she thought. 

Chakwas pinged Shepard’s omni tool with the message _Care to catch up with an old crew mate?_ and she knew that it was time to move. Miranda was finally conscious and alert enough to speak after a week of recovery at Turian Headquarters. Garrus, Shepard, and Liara travelled to the Turian base to meet with Miranda as they would be the least likely to arouse suspicion. They had already been visiting Primarch Victus regularly, so any surveillance would not find this out of place. Everyone would meet up again at their prefab unit under the pretext of having drinks with the crew. Garrus had already done a thorough sweep for bugs and cameras so they knew the space was clear. 

Miranda was anxious, which was rarely a good sign. She was fidgeting in her makeshift hospital quarters when they arrived. Garrus and Liara entered first to say hello, but when Shepard walked through the door Miranda momentarily froze, her keen blue eyes focused only on Shepard. 

“You’re alive,” she said incredulously. 

Shepard laughed. “I could say the same about you, Miranda. Gave us a bit of a scare.” 

“Where have you been all this time?” 

Shepard was trying to formulate how she might explain her time away succinctly, but before she could respond Garrus cut in to say that the Crucible blast had transported Shepard to another unknown world. Shepard’s eyes bulged at him.

“She won’t tell us anything about it,” Garrus finished, an annoyed tone emanating from his subvocals. 

“That’s utterly ridiculous. Honestly Shepard, where have you been?” Miranda laughed. 

Shepard rolled her shoulders and looked down at her feet. “It was called Thedas, although I think that was actually the continent, not the planet. Their technological advancement was basically medieval.” 

Miranda’s eyes went wide and she scoffed, “You’re saying it’s true?”

Shepard said yes and Miranda began muttering some things to herself that Shepard could not hear clearly. 

“How long were you there?” 

“Fourteen months our time, I think. I think almost two years passed in Thedas while I was there. Time is a bit different,” Shepard said. 

Miranda pressed on. “How did you make it back if they have no technology?” 

Shepard had dreaded this question, for the obvious reason that she would sound utterly ridiculous when she told them. “Magic.” 

Garrus barked out a laugh and Liara looked a bit stunned. Miranda’s eyes narrowed at her. “This isn’t a joke Shepard,” Miranda snapped. 

“Do I look like I’m joking? There were people who possessed magic who they called mages, and there were magic phenomena there. When they first saw my biotics they called me a mage and locked me up because they thought I was an apostate.” 

Shepard smiled at the memory, which could only be funny in hindsight because they had decided to let her out and help the Inquisition. Cassandra had been the most skeptical of Shepard and her _abilities,_ yet she ended up becoming a close friend.

“This is pretty far-fetched Shepard,” Miranda said.

“So is bringing someone back from the dead, but here I am,” Shepard scowled. 

“Touché.”

She did not want to talk about Thedas; she had already given up more information than she wanted to. Shepard crossed her arms and tried to change the subject. “You gonna tell me why Cerberus is here? I killed the Illusive Man.”

“In mythology Cerberus is a three-headed dog,” Miranda gave an empty laugh. “As you know there were many independent cells operating in silos. From what I’ve gathered the group that you encountered is the remnant of one of our earth-based recruitment groups.”

Shepard shook her head. “So they’re the persuasive anti-alien types?” 

“Pretty much,” Miranda said. “It doesn’t seem like they have had much trouble swaying others to their cause considering all the other species have been stranded in Sol.” 

“But the relays will be back online soon,” Liara interjected. She was reviewing some information on her omni tool and pacing around the room. “Everyone will begin returning to their home systems and planets.”

“I’ve had eyes on them for a while. Things were fairly quiet until word broke out that Shepard came back,” Miranda finished. 

Shepard’s brow furrowed. “Why would that matter?” 

“Come on Shepard, you’re the _Saviour of the Galaxy_. You know that other humans basically worship you, right?” Garrus said.

Shepard waved off his comment as she rolled her eyes.

“If the relays come back online then we can actually start to rebuild the galaxy. Comms have been up for a while now and they’ve already made plans to repair the Citadel.” Miranda was looking at Shepard as though she should have put the pieces of the puzzle together already.

“By the Goddess,” Liara gasped. “They will have to reinstate the Council.”

“So?” Shepard was growing frustrated, not picking up on whatever it was that they were trying to get at. “I thought you said they all survived the war.” 

“All except one. The only vacant position is the human councillor,” Liara said. 

Shepard’s frustration continued to grow. “And? Hackett will probably be appointed.”

All three of her friends were staring pointedly at her. Shepard stood her ground in spite of the knots forming in her stomach. Surely they couldn’t mean what she thought they were implying. 

“Hackett doesn’t stand a chance next to the paragon of humanity, the poster child for interspecies cooperation,” Liara said. “If they want to make this work they’re going to have to buy back some good will for the Council. It makes perfect sense.”

“Hell no. There’s no way. I’m just a soldier,” Shepard snapped. 

“You aren’t _just_ anything, Shepard,” Garrus said. 

She could not deny that it made sense, although she would never admit to that openly. Councillor Udina had always been an asshole, but his hostility had only grown throughout the war as he agreed with fewer and fewer of Shepards decisions. Almost all of them had depended upon cooperation between species and it had been enough to drive Udina to support the Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel where he had died. She looked between the faces of her three closest friends and knew that they were likely correct.

“Well, shit,” Shepard said aloud. It reminded her of Varric. 

“I guess this is why your Alliance is stalling over your reinstatement,” Garrus laughed. “If they reinstate you and give you the Normandy back, you’d be gone as soon as the relays are up.” 

Shepard took a deep breath and tried to bring it back to the problem at hand. “Let’s worry about that if it happens. For now, we focus on Cerberus.” 

Miranda nodded. “I’ve got a few things to do before tonight and I don’t think we should be seen together. Let’s discuss this later at Shepard’s place.” 

Shepard left with Garrus and Liara. She was glad to know that Miranda was alright but the information that she had given them was concerning. Shepard did not want to be a Councillor, and she certainly never wanted to step foot on the Citadel again. She was silent on the ride back to their homes in spite of her friends’ attempts to make conversation. They wisely avoided the information that she had spilled about Thedas and magic, eventually giving up on speaking at all. Shepard exited the sky car after they parked and nearly jogged back to her apartment, needing time to process what had happened. In a couple of hours her crew members would be flooding into the apartment and she would hardly get a moment alone.

Her place was empty, which likely meant that Cullen was still at the training gym with Vega. Shepard grabbed some clothes and made a beeline for the shower, happy to be on her own for a little while. She turned up the temperature so that the shower began filling with steam before slowly stepping in and letting her body adjust to the heat. Shepard leaned forward, pressing her hands against the tiled wall of the shower so that the water could run down her back. She tried to slow down and take deep breaths to calm the thoughts that were running through her mind. If only she could tell Cerberus that she did not want to be human councillor and they would just wander off as though everything was fine. That would never happen, of course, but Shepard sighed at the thought of having to deal with Cerberus again. 

Shepard was not sure how much time had passed but she noticed that her fingers were pruning from their time in the water. She finished the shower, stepped out to dry off, and got dressed in leggings and her comfortable N7 hoodie. It had been a relief to learn that the crew of the Normandy had kept all of her things safe for her. She was drying her hair with a towel as she walked into the living room, finding Cullen sitting at the table reading something on his omni tool. He had a mug of tea in front of him while another steaming mug sat in front of the seat across from him. 

“I made you tea,” he said, looking up at her with a grin. 

Cullen relished learning how to use things in Shepard’s world, particularly the kitchen appliances. He was quite proud of how proficiently he had mastered the kettle and the toaster. He was so stunningly handsome when he smiled. Shepard sat down across from him and pulled the mug closer to her. The smell of bergamot floated up to meet her.

“You made my favourite,” she said quietly.

“Of course,” he beamed. “I am a master strategist you know.” 

Shepard stared down at her tea, noting that he had added the perfect amount of milk. She cast a glance up at Cullen and watched him for a few minutes as he continued to read. They sat in serene silence across from one another for a while and Shepard realized how acutely she had missed him. 

“Everything alright?” He asked it without taking his eyes from his wrist, as though he could feel her watching him. 

She wanted to tell him how much she had missed him, how much she had longed for their quiet moments together, and how badly she wanted to reach across the table to take his hand. She said none of those things. 

“Miranda said something that’s got me bothered,” Shepard said.

“Anything I can help with?” he asked as his omni tool display disappeared. Cullen’s warm amber eyes studied her carefully as he waited for her to speak. 

“She thinks that Cerberus is targeting me because I’ma candidate to be the next human representative on the Citadel Council.” 

“That is an important role I take it?” 

Shepard nodded.

“Do you want the position?”

“I’m a soldier Rutherford, not a politician.” 

He laughed at that. “Mere soldiers do not find diplomatic solutions to curing the genophage.”

Shepard did a double take, unsure that she had heard him correctly. “How did you learn about that?” 

“Research. Tali showed me how to effectively use the extranet,” Cullen grinned. “It is truly amazing how much information is so readily accessible.” 

Shepard could not help but laugh at the thought of Tali explaining the extranet to Cullen. “I’ll have to let her know she’s created a monster.” She took a sip of her tea.

“You did not answer my question,” Cullen pressed. 

“I’m a career soldier. I didn’t have much of a life before the Alliance. Never thought about what happens after.” 

“You are allowed to be more than a soldier.” 

Shepard raised an eyebrow at the statement. She knew that he had chosen his words very carefully, echoing an answer to a question he had asked her so long ago. He reached his hand across the table toward her and she laced her fingers in between his, just as she had during their first night together in Thedas. Cullen smiled at her as his thumb made small circles over the back of her hand.

Shepard smiled back at him. “I’ll take that under consideration.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for keeping up with this story! Your comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :).


	11. Your Love Is Gonna Drown

It had been the strangest week of Cullen’s life. He was glad that Shepard had demanded he stay in her home, although things remained somewhat awkward between them. It helped to be with someone who knew and understood his world and could explain things in the context of what was known to him. He felt a bit like a child as he constantly required explanations for how to do things, although he had to admit that he saw the benefit of indoor plumbing. Shepard’s world was run almost entirely by technology. It was in absolutely everything, assisting from the most menial tasks to the most advanced infrastructure. Shepard’s friends Liara and Tali had been patient in helping him to understand the basic functions of his omni tool and the extranet. He could scarcely visualize how many libraries would equal the amount of information that was now readily available to him. 

Cullen spent all of his spare time reading. He had started by learning about “Commander Shepard”—the one portrayed by the extranet, anyway. He had known in Thedas that she was an excellent solider, though Shepard had always downplayed her part in the stories she told about the war with the Reapers. In her world she was called the Saviour of the Galaxy and stories of her were everywhere. There were impossible feats portrayed with videos and eyewitness accounts, others were written stories that seemed ridiculous. Tali had showed Cullen more reliable sources and how to select links that would lead him to new information related to the topic that he was already learning about. There had been one afternoon where he had stayed in one position reading for so long that when Shepard found him in the same place she said he must have gotten caught in the extranet _rabbit hole_ (which was a reference to a very old children’s story, his search explained).

He and Shepard had avoided one another for the first couple of days. It was odd for them to be occupying space together again, the air between them thick with uncertainty. Their routines had not changed from when they previously lived together, though it was moderated by their environment. Shepard still got up early and stretched every morning before bathing and dressing. Then she would have a cup of tea, taking it exactly the same way she had in Thedas. The rest of the day she spent training with her crew. Cullen was surprised when she had invited him to join, though she quickly said that it would help maintain the facade of him being an old friend. Shepard had explained that they were likely being watched and needed to maintain appearances as best as possible.

Cullen began going to the training gym with Shepard every day but they rarely spoke to one another. James had been eager to teach Cullen about weapons, while Ashely taught him about the Alliance and military history of humans, and Tali explained the combat functions of his omni tool. Liara had been quite curious about Thedas and asked a lot of questions about magic and the Inquisition. She steered clear of asking questions about Shepard’s time there. Cullen was unsure if this was out of courtesy, or due to a direct order from Shepard, but he was glad not to have to answer those questions. James joked about it a few times but had never pushed. 

In the evenings when they were alone they would watch some of Shepard’s favourite vids. A few of them she had tried to explain to Cullen while in Thedas, though she had called them stories, as he did not have the context to understand what a _vid_ was. He found it fascinating that they could capture an image as though it were happening right in front of you. It was like a play that you could watch at any time you chose. They sat on the couch with a large space between them that was usually filled with popcorn and other snacks. Sometimes they would talk, though it was mostly superficial and tended to avoid the topic of their relationship, past or present. Shepard had asked after their companions from the Inquisitionparticularly Cassandra, and laughed when Cullen described the hat that she was required to wear as Divine. Shepard had been glad to hear that Trevelyan and Dorian had continued their relationship, and was shocked that Varric was now Viscount of Kirkwall. 

They had avoided any serious topics until the afternoon when Shepard returned from her conversation with Miranda preoccupied with her thoughts. They held hands as they drank tea with one another. Cullen thought that he saw reluctance in Shepard’s face as she let go of his hand and hoped that he had not imagined it. 

Later that evening James and Ashley were the first to arrive for the festivities and brought a number of different beverages with them. The sheer variety of food and drinks available in this world was mind boggling to Cullen. He tried to channel Josephine and be a good host as he laid things out on the counter and put the drinks in the refrigerator—yet another fantastic technological invention. Shepard put on the music and greeted the guests as they arrived. There was a steady stream of people entering and the space was beginning to fill up with the Normandy crew. 

Cullen handed Shepard a beer as he picked up an empty bowl and went to refill it. Ashley was leaning against the kitchen counter as he came back.

“You two make a good team,” she said casually.

“Doesn’t everyone who works with Shepard?” Cullen deflected. He had often seen Ashley watching him and knew that she was close with Shepard.

Ashley chuckled. “She’s a great leader and for the most part we’re all good at doing what we’re told. But it’s different with you two. She never seems to tell you anything directly.” 

Cullen stayed silent, unsure of how to respond as Ashley gave him a knowing look. Whether or not she had seen the exchange, Shepard walked into the kitchen and interrupted. She stopped beside Cullen and took the bowl that he had just refilled. Her other hand found his lower back as she leaned over to him.

“Sit and relax Rutherford. You can stop playing host.” 

He turned toward her and realized how close she was to him, their faces a mere breath apart. He could feel his cheeks warming up as he and Shepard stood perfectly still for the briefest moment, her eyes fixed on his. Had he been a braver man he might have asked to kiss her. Wrex’s booming voice broke the spell as the Krogan announced his arrival at the party. 

“I should go,” Shepard said as she took the bowl back to the living room. Cullen braced himself on the counter as he let out a long breath. He looked up at Ashley, still leaning next to him, her eye brow raised questioningly. 

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen cursed. He took two beers out of the fridge and brought one to Shepard before opening his own. Sitting down in the living room with Liara, he tried to enjoy the pretend party as they waited for Miranda to arrive.

It was a raucous affair. In spite of the fact that it was a cover for their covert mission, the crew was treating it as though it were a real party. Cullen could not count the number of drinks that they had gone through. They were reminiscing and laughing with one another as they told story after story. Wrex told a tale about Shepard head butting a Krogan that had made everyone laugh. It was nice to see her weaving through the crowd and sitting down with each of her friends as they caught up and reminisced. The arrival of Javik—the last Prothean, they told Cullen—seemed to shock the group. Shepard joked that he had been avoiding the primitives, which may have made him smirk. It was hard to tell from the sharp, alien features of his face. Javik stood in the kitchen alone and said little to the group. The person he spoke to the most was Liara. Shepard fell into the seat next to Cullen and handed him his third beer.

“I fear I will be drunk by the end of the evening,” he said. 

She smiled back at him. “Well, it is a party.” 

“What of your friend?” Cullen asked in reference to Miranda.

“She’ll be here soon.” 

Cullen heard Tali hiccup beside Shepard. A few people around them started laughing. 

“Tali Zorah, are you tipsy?” Vega called out. 

“I’m _fine,_ ” she said, the word drawn out longer than it needed to be. Shepard asked Tali if she wanted some water but she waved Shepard off. 

“I am alright. The last time I got drunk was _much_ worse. I’m not even crying.” 

“When was that?” Shepard laughed, trying to continue the amusing conversation with the drunk Quarian.

Tali hiccuped a few times without responding and Cullen noticed that the crew members had stopped talking. The only sound in the room was the beat of the music and Tali’s intermittent hiccups. 

“What?” Shepard asked, noticing the change in atmosphere.

Garrus stood beside edge of the couch and rested his hand on Tali’s shoulder. “It was on the Normandy. After we crash landed.” 

Her crew mates’ expressions shifted to something quite serious. Shepard’s brow furrowed as she laughed nervously. “What’s so bad about that? I wouldn’t blame anybody for getting drunk.” 

The crew members looked between one another before Garrus carefully said, “We had a memorial for you, Shepard. We thought you died in the blast.” 

The atmosphere in the room turned somber. Cullen felt Shepard tense beside him. “I didn’t die,” she said quietly.

“We know that now,” Garrus said. “We didn’t at the time.” 

Shepard was silent but Cullen knew that she was hurting. When she had first told him about the end of the Reaper War and the Crucible blast she had always held out hope that her crew had survived. She said she would know in her gut if they were gone, yet they had not bothered to believe the same for Shepard. Cullen’s anger flared, words escaping from his mouth without thought. “You did not wait to find out?” 

He stared down Garrus, whose mandibles flared in response as a low rumbling sound built up under the beat of the music. “She was on a station that was partially destroyed by a blast she created. We had to make the decision to leave her behind so that we could escape,” Garrus snapped. “There’s no way we could have known she would have gone through a wormhole and ended up playing fairy tales in your world.”

Cullen shot up off the couch and stood facing Garrus head on. Liara gasped, but no one in the room moved. They were likely watching Shepard, waiting dutifully for her orders as always. Shepard had remained quiet, staring into the middle distance as though she were somewhere else entirely. Cullen knew that Garrus’ comments about her death had gotten under her skin.

“You know nothing of my world,” Cullen seethed. Thoughts of Corypheus and his dragon burying Haven came to mind. Flashes of the massive rift at Adamant, and hundreds of red templars. Thoughts of holding Shepard in his arms. 

“I know that you’re hardly an advanced race. You didn’t even understand how electricity worked,” Garrus laughed.

“At least my skills as a soldier do not rely on guidance from a machine,” Cullen said. 

Their display was interrupted by a resonant laugh from the kitchen. Javik had been watching the entire argument with a smile on his face. “In my cycle would have been decided by a test of combat. However, watching you two primitives yell at each other is amusing.”

“I’m with the Prothean,” Wrex grumbled. “Beat each other up or move on. You’re ruining the party.” 

“Fine,” Garrus said finally. “Hand to hand spar, tomorrow at the gym.”

“I agree to your terms,” Cullen replied immediately. 

The chatter in the room began to build again as they returned to their conversations. Cullen decided not to sit back down with Shepard, as he was unsure of how she felt about the argument. He noticed Ashley moving to take his place on the couch so he went to the fridge to get another drink. Liara looked stunned as she stood beside the still smiling Prothean. 

Cullen pulled open the tab of his beer can as Javik addressed him. “She is not an easy woman to love. Death and loss have plagued her.” 

“Javik,” Liara said in a warning tone. She was looking at Cullen with concern. Shepard had toldCullen that the Prothean had a strange ability to read other people, though it only seemed to happen when he touched them. Shepard had asked him to steer clear of Javik, but his interest had been piqued. 

“I would not wish to change who she is,” Cullen replied. 

Javik gave Cullen a look of approval. “You are strong for a human. It is no wonder she did not want to leave you behind.”

It was an odd comment for Javik to make. From what Cullen had seen, Javik had not been present throughout the entire week and had never seen Shepard and Cullen interacting with one another. He wondered if Shepard had spoken to Javik about their relationship. Cullen nodded his thanks to the Prothean.

“I look forward to watching you fight the Turian,” Javik said before departing to a less crowed space. 

Liara had watched the entire exchange and was giving Cullen a sympathetic smile. “I am sorry about Javik. His understanding of social cues is somewhat lacking.” 

“It is alright. Shepard told me of him. If I was the last of my people I cannot say that I would care much for niceties,” Cullen laughed. 

Cullen glanced over his shoulder to see that Shepard was still sitting on the couch between Ashley and Tali, laughing at a story that Wrex was telling with Joker. It was good to see her laugh, though Cullen could tell that it was not quite reaching her eyes. She was no doubt preoccupied by Garrus’ comments. Cullen’s fist closed tightly around his beer can until the sound of the aluminum buckling pulled him from his thoughts. Liara put a reassuring hand on Cullen’s shoulder. 

There was a commotion by the front door as Jack entered the apartment loudly shouting profanities at the crew. The door swished closed behind her and after a few moments later there was a shimmer of light as Miranda appeared. Cullen had seen many rogues use a similar trick to cloak themselves, but he heard her say that she had had someone install it on her omni tool. He would need to look that up later. 

The music continued as the conversation shifted. Miranda explained that Cerberus was in fact after Shepard and hoped to prevent a pro-alien appointment to the Citadel Council. Without the Citadel active the Council had no political power, so the assumption was that Cerberus would be targeting the Citadel and the relay system, though Miranda currently had little evidence of how they might be able to achieve that. It seemed to have something to do with the relays, very little of which Cullen understood. The next phase of their plan would be to look into the relay progress and to try and lure out Cerberus, which meant that Shepard would need to make some public appearances. 

Cullen did not understand enough of the specifics but knew that he would be told what he needed to do and when. He was no longer in command, which meant that he would need to follow orders. He sighed as he began to tidy up the space and listen to the dwindling conversation. After they had talked through the plan the group began to filter out of the apartment. Liara was the last person to leave. She said something to Shepard that he could not hear before wishing Cullen a goodnight. Shepard gave a weary sigh as she locked the door, nodding to Cullen and quickly retreating to her bedroom.

Cullen pulled out his blankets and pillows and set up his bed on the couch. Realizing that he had agreed to spar with Garrus in the morning, and that he knew next to nothing about Turian physiology, he spent the night doing research.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support, kudos, and notes. It's greatly appreciated!


	12. Rush Apart

Shepard woke up before the alarm, bolting upright in bed as she shook off nightmares. The blaring sound of a Reaper resonated in her mind. Cerberus’ return had not helped her escape the thoughts of the war. The information Miranda had brought them the night before was concerning. They were dealing with a cell of avid pro-human extremists and had little idea of what their plans entailed. Miranda had said that the relay and Citadel reconstruction projects were key targets, as well as Shepard herself. They were going to have to bring the Cerberus group out of hiding and Shepard would be the bait. It was not something that she was looking forward to. 

Cullen was in the kitchen reading on his omni tool while he drank his tea. Shepard said a quick good morning as she went down the hall to the bathroom and tried to ignore the way her stomach was filling with butterflies. She took a quick, cool shower before getting dressed and braiding her hair. It had grown out so much during her time in Thedas that she could not bring herself to cut it. Until the Alliance chose to reinstate her, Shepard had decided that she would leave it alone. 

When she walked out to the kitchen her tea was ready and waiting for her at the table. Shepard sank down into the chair across from Cullen to enjoy her tea before they would leave for the training gym. He finished what he was reading, closing his omni tool as he smiled at her. It seemed as though he was constantly reading, and Shepard had been amazed by the volume of information he had absorbed in such a short time. She was certain that he must have looked her up on the extranet, though he never said anything about it. 

Shepard took a sip of her tea as she considered how to bring up a concern she had from the night before. Garrus and Cullen had gotten into a strange, passive aggressive argument after Tali had brought up Shepard’s memorial on the Normandy. Shepard had been blindsided with the information as she had not considered that her being dead would have been a logical conclusion after the blast. She assumed that they would have considered her missing in action until they knew for sure. A memorial seemed so final. Perhaps she had taken it for granted. The moment Garrus said it Shepard had retreated inside herself, trying to compartmentalize and contain the flood of emotions. Cullen had sensed her distress and defended her, though it may have been misplaced. He did not know that she had been brought back from the dead once before.

“Are you really going to fight Garrus?” Shepard asked. She had hoped it would sound casual, but upon its delivery it became a pointed question. 

Cullen’s body stilled as he looked up at her. “Are you worried about him getting hurt?”

Shepard laughed at Cullen’s sincerity. Garrus had bragged about being a top-ranked hand-to-hand specialist and no one on the Normandy had ever taken him to task on it in any formal way. Turians were born and bred for military service so Shepard had never doubted his abilities. Considering his talent as a sniper, she had no doubt that his ego had some merit. 

“He’s a talented soldier.” 

Cullen’s brow furrowed. “Am I not a talented soldier?” 

Shepard felt caught out and stammered a pathetic excuse. “No, of course you’re a great soldier. But It’s different here. You’ve never sparred with a Turian before.”

“I have sparred with numerous races and classes of fighters. I sparred with the Iron Bull regularly, and the Inquisitor, a rogue of no small talent. I have been doing my research on Turians.” 

Shepard winced inwardly as she realized that she had hurt Cullen’s feelings. “I have no doubt that you’ve prepared. I just want you to be careful.” 

“Stop treating me as though I am some delicate thing,” Cullen frowned at her. “I do have a moderate level of competence.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying, Rutherford.” 

Cullen stood up from the table to pace the kitchen as his hand rubbed at the back of his neck. She wondered briefly if he had a headache, before realizing that she had not asked him about his symptoms since he had arrived. She assumed that he had continued on without using lyrium over the past two years. She had helped him through the lowest point of his withdrawal, having discovered his secret by accident. He had made it through the worst of things while they had been together but she had not yet thought to ask him how he had been since. She had not actually asked him anything about his life since she left. They had spoken of nearly everyone else in the Inquisition, but they had avoided talking about their own lives. It dawned on her that she wanted to know more about how he had been. 

Cullen stopped pacing, the motion pulling Shepard back to their conversation. He was staring at her mug as he spoke, avoiding her eyes.

“I have felt useless since the moment I arrived here. It is as though I have had to relearn everything,” he said quietly. “If there is one thing I do understand, it is combat. I have been been adjusting to your weapons slowly and I will get there, but I know that I can fight.”

Shepard anxiously played with the end of her braid as her discomfort grew. “I’m not saying that you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Only that I don’t know what I’m doing _here,_ ” he responded pointedly. 

“Oh come on, Rutherford, that’s not what I meant. It’s not like I didn’t have to adjust in Thedas,” Shepard said, temper flaring defensively. She pushed herself back from the table, chair sliding along the floor as she stood to face Cullen. 

Cullen shook his head at her. “You had your biotics at your disposal. Not to mention that you must have viewed us as underdeveloped and uncivilized. Aside from our initial mistrust of you, you integrated into our circle quickly.” 

Shepard conceded the point. She had settled on daggers because they worked best for her, but would have been fine fighting with biotics alone. She had had a context for understanding Thedas, even if it came from her world history classes. She lived without a number of comforts, yet was rarely forced into a situation where she needed to learn something entirely new to her. Things here were new to Cullen and he had no comparisons to draw from. He continued speaking before she could respond.

“Your crew does not know what to make of me. They are curious about our history together and treat me as a temporary fixture. I want them to know that I at least have some merit in spite of whatever they might think of my relationship to you.” 

She ignored his comment as she tried to change the subject. “I know Garrus’ combat style well. If you want I can give you some tips.”

“No. I will do this on my own.” Cullen was resolute as he picked up his mug and took it to the sink, effectively ending the conversation. Shepard said nothing further.

 

The rest of the morning continued in silence as they got ready and left for the gym. Their walk was awkwardly quiet, though Shepard attempted to make it look as though they had not argued. She was aware that Cerberus or the Alliance might be watching and she did not need to promote suspicion. Miranda had been putting together a list of potential outings for the crew so that they could be seen in more accessible areas that might tempt Cerberus to show. Ashleyreported that the relay testing was ongoing but they had yet to set a specific reboot date. The galaxy was less than patiently waiting for the system to come back up.

Most of the crew was ready and waiting when Shepard and Cullen arrived. Garrus had changed into his lighter athletic gear, sporting slim pants and a tank top, and was already stretching on the mats. Cullen immediately went to the change room and left Shepard on the sideline. She joined the rest of her friends and could hear Joker taking bets. Shepard saw Javik waiting nearby with a sneer on his face, although she knew that he was looking forward to the fight.

“Odds on your boyfriend are not good,” Jack said over her shoulder to Shepard.

Shepard rolled her eyes as she settled in between Jack and Tali.

Wrex laughed a few feet away. “I think the little pyjack might surprise us. I’d like to see the Turian get taken down.”

“Not a chance old man,” Garrus called out. 

Cullen returned to the sparring ring wearing knee-length shorts and a fitted t-shirt. Shepard tried to ignore her heartbeat speeding up as her eyes roamed over his bare arms and legs. She could see a few scars that he had told her stories about. Cullen pulled off his shoes and socks before stepping onto the mat. He took a few deep breaths as he did some stretches. The crew settled in around the sparring mats in order to create a makeshift ring. 

Shepard stepped away from the crowd, unsure how she felt about Garrus and Cullen fighting one another. It was strange seeing the two of them together. There had been a time when Shepard had felt strongly about Garrus but she had been so afraid of the possibility of loving him that she stopped things before they could start. She had lost so many friends in the war that she felt unable to let Garrus be anything more, and by the end of the war he had moved on with Tali. Although caught off guard at first, Shepard had been happy for the two of them. Her feelings for Garrus were an inkling of something that might have been in another life.

Things with Cullen had been different. Shepard went from being a prisoner to a questionable ally, remaining on the fringes of the Inquisition until she had proven her worth. Cullen had been the first person who had tried to get to know her. He knew only that she was a soldier in her world. He had not known her as Commander Shepard; war hero, first human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel, or other inflated tales that served to separate the woman from the legend. Shepard had relished the anonymity of Thedas. She had chosen what she wanted to reveal about herself without worrying about extranet background searches or ghosts appearing from her past. Their bond had grown from their shared experiences as soldiers. Cullen had always been able to move beyond the walls that Shepard had constructed around herself, genuinely connecting with the person that she was beneath the veneer of Commander Shepard, and she had loved him for it. It was when she realized that she could continue to love him, to live her life in Thedas, that the fear had set in. Dorian spoke often of time magic and the possibility of sending Shepard home. He was looking into it quietly for her for a while before he found a viable option for her to return. Shepard floundered as she attempted to tell Cullen about it a few times before he found out independently. A report for the Spy Master regarding Dorian’s work had been slipped into a pile of Cullen’s paperwork and everything came undone. Shepard sighed, rubbing her hands over her face as she tried to push away the memory of the argument that had followed. 

She could hear the commotion of the sparring match behind her and hoped that Cullen was at least keeping pace with Garrus. Her omni tool pinged with an audio call from Miranda and Shepard quickly answered.

“Not interested in the match, Shepard?” 

She rolled her eyes. Of course Miranda had been keeping eyes on her. “Not really, no.” 

Miranda laughed. “Cullen might do better than you expect. He’s good.” 

“I know that,” Shepard said defensively.

“You don’t have to protect him from everything. He’s stuck here for better or worse, and if he ends up on his own it’s best for him to be prepared.”

“What the hell does that mean, Miranda?” 

Miranda paused for a few moments before responding. “Shepard, I am your friend and I care about you. But I know you, and I’ve seen your psych profile. You keep everyone at arm’s length and you have trust issues. I don’t know what happened between you and Cullen, but whatever it was you ran away from it. It doesn’t bode well for him.”

Anger built up inside of Shepard at Miranda’s words, knowing that her friend had touched on the truth. “Did you call to analyze me or have you got something?”

Miranda accepted the deflection. “I’m going to ping you an address. It’s a night club in an area that may be connected to what we’re looking for. The crew is going out tonight.” 

Shepard groaned as Miranda disconnected. Since her return she had been sheltered from the outside world, largely staying within the confines of the Alliance base and the accompanying prefab neighbourhood. The victory tour had been strictly regulated and offered no opportunity for media to speak with the crew members. Alliance soldiers were professional enough not to approach her, but she still heard the whispers that followed her appearance at headquarters. She avoided the extranet as much as possible, entirely unwilling to see what people were saying about her mysterious return. Part of her dreaded the idea of going out, knowing that anonymity would be a luxury she would never experience again.

Shepard was considering the possibility of dyeing her hair when she heard a loud cheer from the crowd behind her. She spun around quickly, worried about how Cullen was faring. As she approached the ring she watched as Cullen pressed an advantage, dealing Garrus a number of rapid-fire hits to key pressure points. Garrus growled in response as he blocked the last hit and retaliated with one of his own. Cullen spun out of it as much as he could, taking the brunt of it to his raised shoulder. The hostility between the two of them was palpable as they continued to trade blows. Shepard tensed as she resisted the urge to put a stop to it. 

“The Turian should not have been so confident,” Grunt laughed beside her. “Your squishy human is good.” 

“He’s not mine,” she said reflexively. 

Grunt laughed again as he smacked her on the shoulder. “Whatever you say Battlemaster.” 

Shepard folded her arms tightly across her chest, watching in silence as Cullen and Garrus continued to fight. She supposed it was no different than the sparring match she had had with Vega a few weeks ago, yet something about it made her uncomfortable. Miranda’s words echoed in her mind, the idea that Cullen needed to be prepared for Shepard to reject him crawling under her skin. Shepard wondered if Cullen felt the same way about the likelihood of her inevitable decision. She had left him in Thedas because he had made his position fairly clear. Shepard had thought about staying to work it out, but in the end could not exchange the possibility for her only chance to return to her world. Cullen, in contrast, had made the jump with the smallest likelihood for success, unsure if he would even be able to find her, let alone repair their relationship. It was one of the things that she appreciated most about him; in spite of all his pragmatism, deep down he was an eternal optimist. Given her past experiences Shepard always anticipated the worst. 

Garrus made a well-placed hit to Cullen’s jaw, the sound of it bringing Shepard back to the present. She tensed as he watched Cullen absorb a few more body shots, though he stayed firmly rooted in place. Shepard was watching closely and finally caught on to Cullen’s strategy—he had been letting Garrus hit him so that he could assess weak points. Garrus was visibly tiring now, having exerted a good amount of energy. He was an amazing sniper, but it meant he was less attuned to the ebb and flow of a close-up fight. Garrus hesitated for the briefest moment and Cullen struck back immediately with full force, knocking Garrus flat on his back before pinning him to the ground. Vega called the match to an end and Cullen helped Garrus up to his feet.

The noise from the crew was boisterous as Shepard stepped back from them. She was glad that Cullen had won and hoped that Garrus would back off a bit. The animosity that he directed toward Cullen was only adding to the feelings that she was contending with. A few of her friends were gathering around Cullen to congratulate him while they teased Garrus about the loss. Shepard kept her distance, feeling disconnected and unsure of herself. She turned away from the group, missing the smile on Cullen’s face as he caught sight of her. 


	13. The Space Between

Shepard’s crew went out for the evening in an attempt to bring Cerberus out of hiding. Cullen disliked the idea of using Shepard as bait, but everyone else treated it as though it was a common occurrence. They had spread out throughout the club in small groups. Shepard was currently at the bar with Garrus and Tali while Jack and Ashley danced. Cullen quietly drank his ale as he sat pressed between James and Liara in a crowded booth. He had always found the Herald’s Rest to be too boisterous for his liking, yet now that he had experienced a _nightclub_ he would be more than willing to spend an evening back at Skyhold’s tavern. The music was so loud that it was nearly impossible to hear what anyone was saying, it was dark, and colourful lights flashed all around the room. Cullen watched as numerous people approached Shepard, asking to take a photo with her or trying to talk to her, and although she smiled graciously at each one of them Cullen could see the strain it caused. 

“You need to relax dude,” Vega said to Cullen. “She’s Commander Shepard.” 

Cullen blushed, aware that Vega had caught him staring. “I do not like placing her in harm’s way.”

“Being in harm’s way is kind of her thing,” Vega laughed.

“I doubt we’ll see Cerberus tonight,” Liara said, stirring her colourful drink. “The goal is to raise Shepard’s profile. She’s well protected behind the walls of the Alliance, but if she starts going out more they may try to capitalize on it.” 

“That does not make me feel better about it.” 

Cullen continued to watch Shepard from his peripheral vision while half-heartedly engaging in conversation with the group. After a while he had finished his beer and was beginning to get restless, scanning the bar often for any potential threats. He offered to get another round of drinks, heading over where Garrus and Tali were standing with Shepard. 

Shepard had not spoken with him since his sparring match with Garrus earlier in the day, responding only when he asked direct questions. He was unsure why she was distracted, obviously preoccupied by her thoughts. She was having a conversation with Garrus and Tali as Cullen approached. 

“Cullen, it is so nice to see you,” Tali said cheerfully. He appreciated that she had always been kind and friendly toward him. 

Shepard said a quick greeting before turning her attention elsewhere. 

“Garrus,” Cullen said, nodding his head to the Turian. 

“Cullen,” Garrus responded. “You fought well today. I haven’t been challenged like that in a while.”

Garrus said it nonchalantly, but Cullen knew that it was a sign of approval. He had hoped that besting Garrus in single combat would demonstrate that he had skills to offer the crew, that he was capable and competent.

“I appreciated being in the ring with a challenging opponent,” Cullen said. “It keeps my skills sharp.” 

Garrus hummed thoughtfully in response. “If you want, I could help out with your weapons training. Jimmy’s alright but he doesn’t have my finesse.”

“I am having a bit of difficulty deciding on a primary weapon. I am most accustomed to close-quarters combat as my skills were developed with a sword and shield,” Cullen said. “I am a decent archer, though I don’t always have the patience for it.”

“You know I may have an idea about that,” Tali said. “Let’s talk about it later this week. I’d appreciate Garrus’ insight.”

Garrus and Tali continued to talk about combat preferences and weapons, though Cullen was distracted by Shepard. She nodded and smiled as though she were listening but he saw her eyes roaming the room carefully. Cullen reached out for her instinctively as he asked if she was alright. 

She looked down at his hand on her arm and pulled away slowly, a conflicted look on her face. Cullen immediately retracted his hand, cursing his own lack of awareness. He turned back to Garrus and Tali as he waited for his drink order. Over his shoulder he heard a sing-song voice call out for Commander Shepard as Garrus hissed the word _Khalisah._ Cullen was unsure what it meant, though as he turned around he saw a woman approaching Shepard with a light of some kind hovering behind her. He saw Shepard’s body tense immediately.

“Who is that?” Cullen asked.

“Khalisah al-Jilani,” Tali whispered. “This awful human reporter who made it her mission to make Shepard look terrible during the war.” 

“Why would she do that?” 

“Because she could,” Garrus grumbled. “She the kind of reporter who spins the story however she wants and humans eat it up. I can’t believe they think she’s a legitimate source of information.” 

Cullen shook his head as he thought about the Orlesian vultures that used to wait around the great hall of Skyhold gossiping about the Inquisition. They would send word back to their friends in letters and cryptic notes, lording their newly gained information. He had always thought that what the Orlesians called _the game_ was horrendous, yet imagined it would have been far worse if empowered by instantaneous communication. To her credit, Shepard put on her most unaffected smile as she tried to pleasantly engaged with the reporter. 

Khalisah did not mince her words. “Commander Shepard, people want to know where you’ve been over the past year and a half.”

“That’s classified,” Shepard replied easily. 

Khalisah al-Jilani flashed Shepard a predatory smile, crossing her arms confidently as the light behind her moved closer to her shoulder. Cullen recognized that it may be a camera, the thing that made vids and pictures. He had never seen one up close. 

“Yet the Alliance had no idea of your whereabouts, according to my sources,” Khalisah continued. “You left us behind at a time of great need, Commander.” 

Shepard tightened her grip around her bottle, knuckles turning white from the pressure, as she tried to keep smiling. “I destroyed the Reapers, Khalisah.”

“A lot has needed to be accomplished in the wake of that destruction, Commander Shepard. Species are stranded here and humanity is feeling the strain.”

Cullen wanted to intervene, though he was unsure of what to do. Tali and Garrus were silently watching, yet seemed ready to move if needed, so he decided to follow their lead.

“We need to work together now more than ever,” Shepard said. “Our galaxy has suffered great losses, but we won this war together. We can’t give up now.” 

It was easy to understand why Shepard would be considered for the role of the human councillor, though she did not see it herself. It was clear to Cullen that she truly believed in what she said in spite of Khalisah’s efforts to twist her words. 

Khalisah smirked, making Cullen’s skin crawl. “What about the rumours that Cerberus is alive and well? Care to comment?” 

Shepard’s mouth formed a hard line, the small amount of patience that she had for this woman wearing thing. “Cerberus is a defunct organization and their leader is dead.”

“There is no evidence of that, is there? His body was never found. Neither was yours, yet here you are appearing from thin air a year later,” Khalisah said cooly. Her questions were leading Shepard somewhere.

Cullen watched as Khalisah stepped closer to Shepard. The reporter lowered her voice but he was confident that the camera caught everything she said. “You’ve worked for Cerberus in the past, Commander. For the Illusive Man himself. Now he’s gone, you’ve reappeared, and so has Cerberus. Don’t you think that’s an odd coincidence?”

“What are you getting at Khalisah?” Shepard snapped.

“Are you still involved with Cerberus, Commander?”

“How dare you,” Shepard snarled, her voice barely audible.

“That is enough,” Cullen snapped. He saw the faintest tell-tale flicker of biotics flare up Shepard’s skin as he put his body between her and Khalisah. “Commander Shepard is a hero and she deserves your respect. You are accomplishing nothing productive by trying to besmirch her reputation.” 

Khalisah flinched in shock before quickly recovering. “Who are you?”

“No one,” Cullen said. “Though I am concerned by your inappropriate comments and twisted truths.”

“Rutherford,” Shepard warned, but Cullen continued. 

“Shepard saved all of you, going above and beyond her role over and over again, yet you feel that you can treat her this way? You should be ashamed,” he sneered.

It took a moment for him to realize that his voice had been raised. People had gathered around them, watching with curiosity. Omni tools were out and Cullen realized that the music had stopped. Shepard grabbed Cullen’s arm and pulled him toward the door through the mass of people gathered on the dance floor. He could hear the whispers winding around them as the crowd took notice of Shepard’s presence.

The cool air of London was a relief, his skin hot with embarrassment as Shepard continued to pull him down the sidewalk. Cullen could see the crew filtering out of the club behind them. Shepard stopped after a few moments, putting some distance between them as she let go of his arm.

“What the hell was that?” Shepard snapped, her hands curling into fists.

Cullen was taken aback by her anger. “That woman had no right to speak to you like that,” he stammered. “She was disrespectful.”

“She’s a reporter, Rutherford, it’s her job.” 

“It’s inappropriate,” Cullen said. He could feel a headache forming in the absence of the lights and sounds of the club. Arguing with Shepard was not helping either.

“I dealt with her for years. It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Shepard said, rolling her shoulders. 

Cullen was confused about how he might have misstepped in this situation. It seemed odd that Shepard would let this Khalisah woman berate her. “She has no right to invade your privacy.” 

Shepard gave a hollow laugh. “Privacy doesn’t exist in my world, Rutherford. I’m _the_ Commander Shepard.” 

“You are more than that, Jane,” he said softly, reaching out toward her. 

Shepard turned away from him as she crossed her arms over her body. “It’s so easy for you to believe that, isn’t it?” It was barely audible, as though she had not intended him to hear it.

One of the Normandy crew called out to them as a couple of skycars pulled up the curb. The ride back was silent, the tension between Cullen and Shepard obvious to everyone. They disembarked at the prefabs, where the crew said quick goodbyes and immediately dispersed.

Cullen silently followed Shepard into their— _her_ —apartment. As the door swished closed and the lock engaged, there was a shimmer of light from the couch as Miranda revealed herself. 

“You certainly got some attention tonight,” Miranda smirked. “Though you may not appreciate all of the extranet chatter.”

“Cerberus?” Shepard asked flatly. She had slipped her mask back on as her personal concerns fell away. 

“Khalisah’s insinuation that you’re the new head of Cerberus will help us, but she took the story in a different direction.” Miranda said this carefully as she pulled something up on her omni tool. Cullen watched as a vid of that horrendous reporter began playing from Miranda’s wrist.

_“Who is Shepard’s mystery man? Did she stay in hiding after the war to keep their relationship a secret? Could a child be involved? I am Khalisah al-Jilani and I will bring you the truth.”_

Miranda closed her omni tool with a flick of her wrist.

“That is ridiculous,” Cullen groaned. 

Miranda raised an eyebrow at him. “She’s not entirely incorrect. Shepard did spend the last year with you.” 

Cullen’s brow furrowed. He knew that Shepard despised the insinuation that she fled at the end of the war, or that she had chosen to go into hiding. She could hardly tell the world the truth about what had happened, but the idea that she would abandon the galaxy after everything that she had done got under her skin. In Thedas she had told Cullen that the rift had saved her from death.

“It doesn’t matter, Miranda,” Shepard said firmly. “Khalisah’s been selling this shit about me for years. It will blow over.” 

Miranda got up from the couch and slowly walked around the apartment, surveying things with a careful eye. Shepard had told Cullen that she was a spy, a former Cerberus operative, and he had no doubt that she was a smart, skilled agent. 

“You may have to continue making appearances together,” Miranda said easily.

“It won’t be an issue,” Shepard said. 

Miranda nodded. “I’ll be in touch.” 

She cloaked herself again as she stepped toward the door. Shepard followed, stepping outside for a few moments so that it would appear that she was going for some air. Cullen wondered briefly if she would stay outside for a while. He knew that this was how she processed; she had a hard time sharing her feelings.

Cullen looked around the apartment as he tried to discern what Miranda was looking for. Things were fairly sparse. A couple of mugs sat in the sink, a data pad rested on the coffee table. They were both soldiers who were used to living with basic necessities. The apartment was a holding space for both of them. Shepard remained unsure of her status with the Alliance, and Cullen remained unsure of his status with Shepard. 

After a few moments the door slid open again as Shepard stepped back inside. He expected her to make a quick exit to her bedroom, but she surprised him by standing in front of him in the living room. 

“I’m not good at this,” she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Cullen remained still, making a small hum to let her know that he was listening. He waited patiently for her to continue. After a few moments she finally said, “I don’t know why I came back.” 

It was not what he had been expecting her to say. Shepard massaged her temples as she continued to speak. “My crew thought I was dead. Everyone thought I was dead. Now the Alliance doesn’t want me back, they’re talking about putting me on the Citadel, and I’m still dealing with this Cerberus bullshit.” 

She had tried to tell him why she wanted to come back after he found out about Dorian’s research. The argument he started had cut things short, but he had gotten the main points. “You wanted answers so you came back. You never would have known what had happened otherwise.” 

Shepard scoffed, shaking her head. “That wasn’t the whole truth.”

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t stay in Thedas after what happened with us. You wouldn’t even look at me. Until we had that fight I was determined to stay. Dorian told me I only had the one chance to come back and I took it because I couldn’t bear staying there.” 

Her eyes were welling with tears as she said it. Knowing that he had caused her to feel this way made shame wind itself through his chest.

“I was hurting but that does not mean I should have taken it out on you. I did not want you to leave but I did not know how to say so,” Cullen whispered. “It was not your fault.” 

Shepard bit her bottom lip, sighing to stop the tears. She paced the room for a few moments as she collected herself. When she faced him again her eyes were clear, focusing on him as she spoke.

“I thought it would be better if I left. I’ve always managed on my own. If I wasn’t around you I thought I could get over you.” 

Cullen winced at the thought of her forgetting him. “I have carried my regret with me since the moment you left. I prayed to the Maker that I would be able to find you. I know that you can manage on your own, but that does not meant that you have to.”

Shepard moved toward him, her eyes looking up to meet his as she traced his jaw with her finger tips. Cullen wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him as their lips met. It was gentle and familiar, though it did not stop Cullen’s heart from pounding in his chest. He closed his eyes as he melted into her, their kiss growing more fervent. Shepard traced the scar on his lip with her tongue as Cullen sucked on her bottom lip. It was better than he remembered, reawakening a part of him that he thought was lost. He never wanted her to stop kissing him. Shepard’s hand traced along his collarbone and was starting to trail down his chest before she froze, inhaling sharply.

“Jane, is everything alright?” 

“My dog tags,” she said, carefully pulling the chain out from under the collar of his shirt. “You’re still wearing them.”

“I have not taken them off since you gave them to me.”

Shepard pulled back from him and reached into her pocket before retrieving a silver coin which he had given her years ago during a trip to Ferelden. Cullen was speechless. When he had not found it among the things she left behind at Skyhold he imagined that she might have thrown it off the battlements in anger, or left it behind at the Breach.

“You kept it,” he whispered in disbelief. 

She smiled up at him. “I was told it was lucky.” 

Shepard put the coin back into her pocket before loosely wrapping her arms back around him. He vowed to himself that he would never let her go again. She rested her head against his shoulder, breathing the words _I missed you_ into his neck. 


	14. Wishful Thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincere apologies for the delayed post! I managed to stick to the schedule for three months (woo!) but I'm currently working on some IRL deadlines that got me sidetracked, so thank you for waiting. 
> 
> I will be working on bi-weekly updates for the remaining chapters. This story has had more than I anticipated, but I think we're hitting the home stretch soon. I'm sending out my gratitude to all those leaving comments and kudos on this story. Your encouragement has been greatly appreciated.

Cullen is in the kitchen when Shepard wakes up in the morning, dutifully preparing tea. She sees one of Cullen’s shirts on the floor and pulls it on before joining him in the kitchen. Cullen says good morning to her as she presses herself against his back, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. She feels him laugh as she presses kisses across his shoulder.  
  
“Good morning.”  
  
She smiles as she nuzzles his back. “Great morning, actually.”  
  
Cullen turns around in her arms and pulls her in close, kissing her forehead. After a few moments they separate from one another and Shepard leans against the counter sipping her tea. Cullen glances over at her, smiling, as he notices what she is wearing.  
  
“Is that my shirt?”  
  
“Old habits,” she says.  
  
When they had started sharing Shepard’s space in Skyhold she had been notorious for borrowing Cullen’s clothes.  
  
Shepard stares down at her mug and carefully considers the implications of the night before. Seeing her dog tags around Cullen’s neck breached the walls that Shepard had carefully constructed around all of the feelings that she had not wanted to deal with since his arrival. She had been telling herself to wait until things with Cerberus had been dealt with, her status with the Alliance had been determined, or the Council appointment rumours had blown over; yet in the moment her hands felt the dog tags hiding underneath Cullen’s shirt collar, every excuse disappeared from her mind.  
  
It had been a slow, careful reunion as their bodies reacquainted themselves. There was a tender familiarity in the way that Cullen’s lips met hers and muscle memory took over as her hands followed the lines of his body. When Cullen asked if she was sure she wanted this Shepard had responded with a breathless yes. They made their way from the living room to the bedroom slowly, leaving discarded clothing in their wake. The way he held her was achingly familiar, Shepard not having realized the depth of her loss until they were intertwined, breathless, in her bed.  
  
She feels Cullen touch her arm, asking if she is alright, and it breaks her out of her reverie.  
  
“I’m still having some trouble believing that this actually happened.” Shepard smiles up at him sheepishly as she points between them.  
  
“Ah, yes, right,” Cullen stammers, bringing his hand up to rub at the back of his neck. Shepard sees the telltale red flush warming his cheeks.  
  
“I don’t regret it, Rutherford.”  
  
“I do not regret it either.” He takes her hand in his own, pausing before he continues. “Though I am wondering what happens now. With us.”  
  
Shepard nods. This is the “what are we?” conversation that she should have anticipated. She has always seen Cullen, ever the strategist, to be a man who appreciates known quantities. This is something that they had gone through the first time around in their relationship. Shepard had not wanted to define anything, even when they shared living quarters, and the ambiguity of their relationship had ultimately unravelled it.  
  
Cullen carefully crosses his arms as he waits for her to continue. His defensive position is obvious, though she cannot blame him for it. This is a dance they have done before and Cullen seems to remember the steps.  
  
“I wasn’t lying when I said I missed you,” Shepard begins carefully. “I’m still trying to figure my shit out. The Alliance is hiding something from me, and Cerberus is up to maker knows what. But I’m tired of putting my personal life on hold.”  
  
Cullen’s eyes widen at her as a fraction of the tension in his body releases. Shepard blurts out the rest of her thought before he can interrupt.  
  
“I think we should date. Properly, this time. I know it’s a bit weird because we’re living together, and we spend most of our time together, so I guess it’s not that much different than before—”  
  
Her rambling stops short as Cullen kisses her. Warmth spreads throughout her chest as his thumbs trace her cheeks.  
  
“Does this make me your boyfriend?” Cullen laughs, using the moniker she had once told him about in Thedas.”  
  
“Only if you’re courting me,” Shepard teases.  
  
They stand in the kitchen holding one another for a few moments before getting back into their morning routine. Shepard is surprised when Cullen asks her if she would like to join him in the shower, but quickly recovers as she follows him down the hall.  
  
  
  
The crew knows almost the moment that they walk through the door, though no one calls her out on it directly. She and Cullen are visibly closer—the easy way he puts his hand on her back and the way they smile at one another are dead giveaways.  
  
Garrus waves Cullen over to the gun range, keeping his word on the weapons training. Shepard needs to touch base with Ashley to see if there is any new intel, so the two women begin running laps together. Ashley looks over at Shepard with a smile that tells her she knows exactly where this is going.  
  
“Don’t start Ash,” Shepard says. The statement is an empty one, as Shepard cannot seem to stop smiling.  
“I didn’t say a thing Skipper.”  
  
After a few laps Ashley tells Shepard that the Alliance is concerned about restarting the relay system. She has heard from a few sources that there have been some sabotage attempts that are pushing the project back, but the Alliance has not openly acknowledged them.  
  
“Why would they sit on this? They know Cerberus has resurfaced.”  
  
“None of the incidents have been that suspicious. They look like reasonable mistakes, the issue is that there have been a number of them.”  
  
“So it’s consistent, meaning someone has access to the project,” Shepard says.  
  
“The Crucible Project was overseen by the Alliance although it was a collaborative effort. After the Reapers were destroyed some of those resources were reassigned, but the project remained largely intact,” Ashley adds.    
  
“The Alliance is still the body responsible for the project?”  
  
Ashley nods and Shepard realizes that they have both reached the same conclusion.  
  
“Skipper, I think that the Alliance has been compromised.”  
  
There had always been pro-human people in the Alliance. After the First Contact War, anti-alien sentiment had been a prevalent feature in human attitudes. This was not a new concept. The only difference was that Cerberus took “pro-human” to the most extreme levels, calling for human dominance and the subjugation of other galactic races. Shepard was surprised by the amount of support they had been able to garner over the years, yet given the pre-existing colonial structures of Earth she probably should not have been. Shepard had never felt strongly about a preference to humans; she had been mistreated by them for the majority of her life. The Normandy and its crew had given her an entirely new understanding of interspecies cooperation.  
  
“How far up does this go?” Shepard asked.  
  
“If I had to guess, I’d say Cerberus got access in the chaos after the Reapers were destroyed,” Ashley says as they rounded the track again. “It’s impossible to tell, especially since we all got to the party late.”  
  
Cerberus had had enough influence to stage the Citadel coup attempt during the war, meaning a post-destruction Alliance infiltration would have been fairly easy to facilitate. The chaos would have been the perfect camouflage and now, more than a year later, it would be difficult to determine the compromised units.  
  
“I need to set up a secure meeting with Hackett.”  
  
“You got it. I’ll see what I can do.”  
  
Shepard looks over to see Cullen engrossed in conversation with Garrus as they stand over the firearms. Vega is with them, trying to interject while Garrus snaps back at him. Tali is nearby working on an omni tool, Liara is deep in conversation with a sneering Javik, and Jack, Joker, and Wrex are having a lively discussion with lots of hand gestures. Shepard laughs in spite of herself, overcome by the familiarity and warmed by the sight of Cullen finding his place among them. Ashley gives Shepard a knowing look as she says that she knew it would happen. They are silent as they run a few more laps before joining the rest of the group and filling the remainder of their time at the gym.  
  
  
  
A few days later Shepard finds herself heading to Turian headquarters with her usual complement of Liara and Garrus so that they can have a covert meeting with Hackett. Bringing Hackett into the fold with Victus means that she has to bet on Hackett not being compromised by Cerberus, but it’s one she feels fairly confident about. The Alliance infiltration has been under her skin for days, causing inadvertent flashbacks to the Citadel coup attempt. The night before she had woken up screaming as she dreamed of the standoff with Udina, who had somehow morphed into Anderson as she shot him. Cullen had woken up with her and held her in his arms, reassuring her that she was safe in the apartment with him. He had nightmares himself, though he had told Shepard that they were not as bad in her world as they had been in his; she assumed it had something to do with the fade.  
  
Hackett was speaking with Primarch Victus when they arrived, and Shepard immediately stood at attention as he turned to face her.  
  
“No need for formalities, Shepard,” Hackett said easily.  
  
“Sorry sir,” she said, moving to stand at ease, yet hardly feeling relaxed.  
  
Garrus nodded to Victus before taking a seat and Liara followed suit. Shepard remained standing, finding herself oddly anxious. Perhaps it was her mind wandering to thoughts of the Citadel, or the fact that she had not formerly spoken to Hackett in weeks, but there was an odd sense of foreboding settling in over her.  
  
“I was a bit surprised at your request,” Hackett began. “I am not usually one for covert meetings.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important, sir,” Shepard responded firmly.  
  
Shepard looked to the Primarch and he took over the conversation as planned.  
  
“We have intel that suggests that the Alliance has been infiltrated by Cerberus in the wake of the Reaper’s destruction,” Victus said as he handed Hackett a data pad before sitting down at this desk.  
  
Hackett barely glanced at it, the line of his mouth pressed firmly together as his brow furrowed. He placed the data pad back on the Primarch’s desk. His underwhelming reaction helped things fall into place for Shepard. “You already knew.”  
Hackett remained silent as he gave a stern nod. Shepard tried to take it in stride, though she wondered why he had not looped her in on this information. After a moment the Admiral sunk into a chair across from Garrus and Liara. Shepard remained standing, feeling on edge.  
  
“It has been months. You must have some knowledge of the perpetrators,” Liara said.  
  
“Cerberus has taken root in a number of key areas, and we suspect they have gained a fair amount of intelligence regarding our operations. We have tried to contain them, but unfortunately do not have any information on their leadership,” Hackett responded.  
  
“But you have suspects,” Garrus said.  
  
Hackett’s demeanour shifted and he looked uncomfortable as he cleared his throat. His eyes travelled between those present before landing on Shepard.  
  
“I regret to say this, but there was some discussion that you may be involved,” he admitted sheepishly.  
  
There was a momentary silence as the revelation sunk in. Shepard was stunned as she tried to understand Hackett’s conclusion.  
  
“You can’t be serious.” Garrus’ subvocals thrummed their indignation.  
  
“Shepard has worked for Cerberus before. She was unaccounted for after the destruction of the Reapers, and this is not the first time she has disappeared for a long stretch of time. We were unaware of the infiltration until Cerberus had resurfaced at the time of Shepard’s reappearance. You cannot blame the Alliance for suggesting—”  
  
“I do, actually.” Garrus stood up, his voice dangerously resonant. “Shepard has been taking shit from the Alliance for years, doing all your dirty work, cleaning up all of your messes, and not once have you given her the benefit of the doubt!”  
  
Shepard watched Garrus’ fists clench, his mandibles flare wide, and his eyes narrow. These feelings were not new; he and Shepard had had many conversations on the Normandy about the Alliance’s fickleness. Shepard had always taken it in stride, constantly working to gain their favour again and again. In some ways she envied the Turian Hierarchy’s system of meritocracy. She wondered where she might land in the Hierarchy in comparison to her current status with the Alliance.  
  
“Stand down, Vakarian,” Victus said calmly from behind his desk. “The Alliance’s poor treatment of their exemplary officers is not ours to comment on.”  
  
Shepard was certain there was a secondary conversation happening through their subvocals, though she did not have the register to pick it up. Garrus sat back down after a few moments.  
  
Liara cleared her throat. “Shepard worked with Cerberus, not for them, and she had clear reasons for both of her disappearances.”  
  
Shepard appreciated her the way her friends defended her character, though she doubted it would change anything for Hackett. The Admiral had always trended toward playing it safe and, as she had experienced with the Aratoht incident, was not necessarily one to apologize for his missteps. What truly bothered her was the holding pattern that they had kept her in for months while she waited for a decision on her status within the Alliance.  
  
Shepard fixed her eyes on Hackett and stood firmly rooted, unshakeable as she spoke. “I have given everything to the Alliance in spite of having my background, my abilities, and my loyalties questioned time and time again. I can’t believe that you would suspect me, of all people, to be leading Cerberus.”  
  
Hackett avoided her gaze, looking past her into the middle distance. Shepard could feel rage building inside of her, the same kind that had gotten her through basic training, through N school, and through the Reaper War. She despised being underestimated, but the anger she felt came from her integrity being called into question. It had been simmering for a long time, and now she could not stop it from boiling over.  
  
“I am going to stop them, with or without your help. And when all of this is over I want you to issue me an honourable discharge.”  
  
She could feel the weight lift off of her as she uttered what she had been thinking for weeks. The calm she felt contrasted against the chaos of the room, the atmosphere shifting around her as though she had caused an earthquake. Liara gasped. Garrus asked her if she realized what she was saying. Victus said nothing, though his subvocals were humming in shock. Shepard registered all of these things in her peripheral vision in those few moments, but she was focused entirely on the colour draining from Hackett’s face, eyes wide with shock. She realized in that moment that she had called his bluff. No one ever would have expected Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, Saviour of the Galaxy, to go down without a fight, or bow out gracefully. The Alliance’s intention likely would have been to give her some administrative role as a pencil pusher, an empty title that would allow them to parade her out as needed while keeping her on a short leash. Over the course of the conversation she had come to know that she would never give them the satisfaction.  
  
“Surely this can wait until after Cerberus is dealt with,” Hackett responded lamely.  
  
“I want your assurance in front of the Turian Primarch that I will be given an honourable discharge.”  
  
Hackett sighed. “Help us stop Cerberus and you have my word.”  
  
Shepard relaxed, leaning up against the Primarch’s desk and crossing her arms over her chest. She looked over her shoulder at Victus, who she thought was giving her an amused look. She had always liked him.  
  
The Primarch took over the conversation by elaborating on the intelligence that the Hierarchy had gathered. Hackett was far more forthcoming with Alliance intel. The group that worked on the Crucible project had been reassigned to work on the Relay system and Citadel reconstruction, both of which had been encountering consistent setbacks. The Alliance had suspected espionage for a while, though they had been uncertain of its source. When Cerberus had resurfaced there had been incidents suggesting their involvement, causing the continuing delays to the Relay system.  
  
“We are keeping eyes on key targets,” Hackett finished.  
  
“So you’ve got nothing,” Garrus deadpanned.  
  
Before Hackett could continue, a symphony of omni tool notifications erupted in the room. Shepard opened a priority call from Miranda, hearing her yell over the sound of gunfire.  
  
“Shepard, you need to get back to Alliance Headquarters. Cerberus is attacking. I think they’re moving on the Relay project. They’re hitting a few places in London to cause a distraction. Everyone’s scrambling but I’m on them.”  
  
In spite of the sinking feeling she felt, Shepard snapped into her Commander facade. “We’re on our way Lawson. Be careful. Shepard out.”  
  
Shepard began barking out orders, asking the Primarch for reinforcements, telling Garrus to rally the Normandy team, asking Liara for as much surveillance and intel as she could get them. Hackett seemed to be making his own calls, though Shepard paid little attention.  
  
They rushed to the sky cars and made time it as quickly as they could to Alliance HQ, arriving in the midst of pandemonium. Waves of people rushed out of the building as emergency vehicles gathered on site. Garrus handed Shepard his pistol as they approached the building and she silently nodded her thanks.  
  
The power had been cut inside the building, limiting their visibility, and the noise of shouting voices and blaring alarms interfered with their ability to hear anything. Shepard followed the coordinates to Miranda’s location while keeping an eye out for the rest of the crew. She, Garrus, and Liara were a well-practiced ground team, easily falling back into familiar roles. Shepard, ever the vanguard, was the forward scout of the trio while Liara held the middle ground and scanned the periphery and Garrus covered their movement.  
  
They tracked through the general chaos and eventually found Miranda’s last known location at the Relay project. This area of the building was eerily quiet, aside from the alarm, and after entering the doorway they found a number of dead Cerberus soldiers that likely had encountered Miranda. Shepard waved her companions forward silently as they followed the trail of bodies. Shepard readjusted her grip as she rounded the corner of the hallway, feeling tension spreading across her shoulders. She felt the telltale prickle of biotics under her skin and took a breath to steel herself. They checked doorways and rooms as they moved forward, though all of them were emptied of people until they reached a door near the end of the floor. It was slightly ajar and Shepard could hear voices as they moved forward.  
  
“We’ve lost Lawson,” a voice said. There was no response so Shepard assumed they were speaking into comms. She motioned for Liara to open the door as she moved forward into the room, crouching low to avoid their sight line. She noticed two soldiers with her back toward the door—rookie mistake, she thought—and they were listening intently.  
  
“Will rendezvous with Delta for secondary target. Over.”

The Cerberus soldiers turned toward the doorway, startled for a fraction of a second before their reflexes took over. Shepard throws a stasis field over one of them while Garrus quickly dispatches the other before they can fire at her. She storms toward the immobilized soldier and demands that they talk.

“What does Cerberus want?”  
  
“Human dominance,” the soldier snaps back.  
  
Shepard raises her gun, pointing it directly at the soldier’s chest. “What does Cerberus want _today_ , smartass.”  
  
The soldier merely laughed. “You’ll never get anything from me.”  
  
The comm crackled in his ear as Shepard heard the telltale murmur of instructions. She took the  piece out of his ear and held it up to her own so that she could hear the dispatch.  
  
“This is Delta, we are moving on Rutherford target. Confirm rendezvous site.”  
  
Panic spread through Shepard’s body at the mention of Cullen’s name. He had been a constant feature in the vids and media since their initial excursion and she cursed herself for not considering the impact of his newfound visibility. The soldier saw her face and laughed, as he spat out, “Say goodbye to your boyfriend, Shepard.”  
  
She shot him without hesitation and turned back toward Liara and Garrus. “We need to move now! They’re going after Cullen.”


	15. Sky Blue Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it’s taken me this long to post. Life has been interesting this summer and you know, the best laid plans... I struggled a lot with this chapter and have reviewed and rewritten it into oblivion, but I’m looking forward to moving toward the conclusion of this story,
> 
> For those still here reading this thank you! I appreciate you so much. For those who have recently discovered this story, thank you for joining this journey.

Cullen exhaled, steadying his body as his finger pulled the trigger. He fired six precise shots into the middle of the chest, killing his target.

“That is what I’m talking about _amigo_!”

James stood to his right, coaching Cullen from the end of the range. Cullen watched as the holographic target flickered away before engaging the safety and laying down his weapon.

“You’re really getting the hang of this.” James clapped Cullen on the back before taking the gun and walking over to the weapons bench. “I think Shepard’s going to be impressed. I don’t say that lightly.” 

Cullen took a moment to survey the gym. Aside from the regular attendant, they had the space to themselves. Things were pretty quiet as Shepard, Garrus, and Liara had gone out to see the Primarch for the afternoon. Ashley was running laps around the track and the rest of the crew were off site. Cullen enjoyed the quiet, feeling more at ease in the small group. 

Tali walked over to join the two of them before lifting her omni tool over top of Cullen’s, quickly typing something into the interface. After a few moments he heard the telltale ping of a software update. “I think you will want to see this.”

“It works?” Cullen asked excitedly, surveying his wrist.

Tali nodded, her hands clasped together with excitement. “Flick your wrist forward and brace your forearm.”

Cullen did as she said and a full-sized shield appeared in front of him made of an orange glow. He made a few standard blocking motions to try and get the feel of it. It was impossibly light, as though he were holding nothing at all.

“It is not as strong as an actual shield given that it is an interface, but it can definitely take a few hits,” Tali said excitedly. 

“Should we test that out?” James laughed, gesturing down at the weapons in front of him.

“I would rather not.” Cullen flicked his wrist back and the shield disappeared. “Thank you Tali, this was very kind of you.”

Tali dismissed the comment with a wave. “Of course. Anything for Shepard’s boyfriend.”

Cullen felt his cheeks go warm. Although the crew knew about his relationship with Shepard, none of them had been this direct about it. Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of what he should say.

“Give the guy a break Tali, it’s old news.” James said, not bothering to look up as he continued to work on cleaning the guns.

“Our relationship is actually rather new,” Cullen said without thinking, leaning up against the end of the bench.

James turned to face him with a raised eyebrow. “New my ass. You two are just getting reacquainted. Picking up where you left off.”

Cullen stammered at that, unsure of what to say. He did not think that Shepard had told anyone about their prior relationship. He felt his face grow warmer. “Well, no, not really. Well, that is to say erm—”

“Don’t listen to Vega,” Tali said reassuringly. 

“All I’m saying is no one uses Shepard’s first name and lives to tell the tale, but this guy falls out of the sky using it and she’s all googly-eyes.” Vega used his thumb to gesture at Cullen, acting as though he was speaking only to Tali.

“She was in Thedas for nearly two years. It was plenty of time to get to know one another,” Cullen stammered.

Vega chuckled before calling to Ashley, who was still running laps around the gym. “Hey Ash, you’ve known Shepard since Eden Prime right?”

“Damn right,” she called, slowly changing course to come and join the group.

Vega smirked at Cullen. “You ever call her by her first name?”

“Hell no,” Ashley snapped, slowing down her pace as she approached. “I don’t have a death wish.”

Vega raised an eyebrow at Cullen to emphasize his point. Tali giggled as Cullen flushed with embarrassment. “Perhaps it was different in Thedas,” Cullen said sheepishly.

Vega nodded, looking back down at the gun that he was currently working on. He was silent for a few moments before quietly saying, “Yeah, it probably was.”

Cullen was not sure if he was meant to hear it. He had heard of the Reaper War in bits and pieces from Shepard and he knew that she and her crew had been tasked with some of the most difficult missions. It had always been unfathomable to him; something he could never quite picture in his mind. Upon his arrival to earth he saw the skeletons of the Reapers, the scars of their destruction, and still he could not imagine what it must have been like to live through it. Shepard and her crew carried the burden of it the way he carried his memories from Kinloch hold. 

“What was it like?” Tali asked. “Your world—and Shepard. She hasn’t said much about it since she got back.” 

Tali looked at him expectantly, her helmet tilting every so slightly to the side as she waited for him to answer. Cullen noticed that Vega was listening carefully, remaining silent as he resumed work on the weapons. Cullen found himself at a loss for what he should say. Shepard tended to keep her thoughts and feelings carefully compartmentalized, always moving forward in attempt to avoid being stuck in the past. She always said that it never did well to dwell on such things. Before their argument in Thedas they had considered what a life there together could look like.

“It was difficult, at first,” Cullen said carefully. “Thedas is very different from here. We do not have advanced technology, and Shepard stuck out like a sore thumb. My people did not trust her at first, yet eventually she won us over.”

“Well she obviously won you over, Cullen,” Tali giggled.

Vega grunted out a laugh from the weapon bench. Cullen could not help but blush at this. “She did, though our relationship was not always the easiest to manage. It was good, for a time. Who is to say what might have been if she had stayed.”

“Sounds like it was pretty serious dude,” Vega said.

Cullen thought about how had slowly moved in to her quarters, with more of his things migrating in every week. At first it was a night or two here or there until he eventually abandoned the loft above his office. He smiled at the memory of their space.

“Why did she come back?” Tali asked quietly, pulling him from his reverie.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, shame twisting his stomach into knots. “Shepard had always wanted to know what happened here. She thought that she had destroyed the Reapers but she did not know for sure.”

“Yeah, and?” Vega prodded.

“We were fighting a terrible enemy, trying to restore order to our world. It was not the time to be focused on our relationship. Shepard’s opportunity to return home came and she decided to take it.” He made it sound far simpler than it was, leaving out the fight that had caused the entire situation.

Tali scoffed. “Where have I heard that before?”

Cullen shook his head, smirking at the comparison between himself and Shepard. She talked openly with him about her past relationships and her reticence for connecting with anyone during her time in the Alliance, and Cullen empathized based on his own experiences in the Order.

Vega abandoned what he had been working on, now fully absorbed in the conversation. “So I guess you’ll be joining the Normandy when we get all of this Cerberus shit wrapped up?”

The question caught Cullen off guard given the information Shepard disclosed to him about her consideration for the Council position, as well as his own feelings of restlessness. He was not a part of the Alliance and he imagined that would preclude him from being able to serve on the Normandy—if that was even something that he or Shepard would want. Tali was watching Cullen intently, eyes glowing behind her helmet and he knew to respond carefully.

“I do not know. That is Shepard’s decision to make. I am not sure what your crew will look like after this. I know many of you have places to return to,” Cullen said. “I mean of course if—”

He was interrupted as the building shook. Alarms started going off overhead as the automated VI for the fire system asked people to evacuate. Cullen looked around the gym for the source of the alarm. Instinct took over as an uneasy feeling settled in his stomach. The gym attendant was gone, likely evacuating the building, and they were left alone.

“ _Mierda_ ,” Vega shouted. He grabbed weapons from the bench and distributed them among the group. Cullen took the gun from Vega carefully. He must have looked unsure because Vega quietly told him that there was no choice but to be ready.

Tali was frantically typing on her omni tool. “Something’s interfering with the comms system. I can’t reach anyone.”

“We know the Alliance is compromised,” Ashley said as she approached. She took the weapon that Vega handed to her. “Cerberus must be making a move.”

“Why now?” Vega asked. “Shepard and Hackett aren’t even here.”

“Those _bosh’tets_ ,” Tali swore. “No one is here. They’ve been looking for an opening and we just gave it to them!”

Ashley’s face hardened. “The Reaper tech.” Tali nodded, still frantically working on her omni tool.

“I’m not following any of this,” Cullen said.

“That makes two of us _hombre_ ,” Vega said, scanning the exits.

“They’ve been storing all of the recovered Reaper tech here. All of the most important components are housed in this building,” Ashley explained.

“Why the fuck didn’t they destroy that shit? They know what it can do!” Vega snapped.

“We’ve been working to get the relays back up, but in order to do that you need to study the tech it’s based on,” Tali said. “Since the Alliance has jurisdiction on Earth they’ve been the ones overseeing the projects. Everything Cerberus could want is right here.”

“I thought they wanted to destroy the Relays. Why take the tech?” Vega motioned for them to move forward to the emergency exits as they continued the discussion. “They could be making moves to destroy it right here.”

A memory dredged itself up from the back of Cullen’s mind, something he and Shepard had spoken about after one of her more vivid nightmares. “The Illusive Man was indoctrinated,” Cullen interjected, surprising his three companions. “At least that’s what Shepard suspected when she killed him. Maybe they want to control the tech?” 

Vega gave a low whistle, saying something under his breath that Cullen’s translator did not pick up but he imagined he understood the sentiment. 

“We know what they are after, whether they want to take it or destroy it,” Tali said. “We need to get to it first.”

“That will be tough,” Ashley said. “We’ve got no armour and no support.”

“And no Shepard,” Vega grumbled.

Cullen began mapping out the tactical plan as soon as he had sensed the threat—old habits truly did die hard. “It’s foolish to put ourselves at the centre without being prepared,” he said. “There’s a small cache of weapons and armour in Shepard’s apartment. We should start there, see if we can find any of the crew, and gather more information. Then we get inside and attempt to disrupt their plan or gather more information.”

Tali and Ashley were staring at him incredulously. Vega’s mouth had dropped open shock. Cullen cleared his throat as they paused. “I did command an entire army. We do not have time for this. We need to move, now.” 

“Now we _really_ know why Shepard likes him,” Tali muttered to Ashley.

Vega took point at the front of the group and led them out of the gym. Cullen ignored the comment, focusing instead on the task at hand as they navigated through the hall to the nearest exit. They still needed to traverse what was typically about a five or ten minute walk to the prefab units. Outside was chaos as people poured out of the building. There was smoke in the filling their air where the building breach had likely occurred. Loud screeching sounds filled the air, a mix of alarms issuing numerous warnings. Cullen followed Vega’s lead as they quickly made it back to Shepard’s apartment.

Cullen went to the bedroom first and motioned for Ashley to join him. He handed her the spare set of armour from Shepard’s locker before sliding the box out from under her bed. He retrieved the armour that Trevelyan gave him before he left, putting it on as quickly as he could. He looked longingly at his sword, but he knew that it would be little use in this situation and would make him a more noticeable target. Cullen pushed the box under the bed before standing up and nodding to Ashley that he was ready to go. Vega and Tali were in the living room preparing the weapons before distributing them amongst the group.

“Anything on the comms?” Ashley asked as she loaded her rifle.

“Still in lockdown. Hopefully Alliance countermeasures will kick in soon, but we have no way of knowing when it will be back up. I can’t do much from an omni tool,” Tali said.

“There’s no way this goes unnoticed. Shepard will be on her way back. I say we stick with Cullen’s plan. All we gotta do is buy some time.” Vega scanned the courtyard from the window before giving the all clear. The group moved out in single file, carefully progressing with what little weapons and armour they collected. It reminded Cullen of the early days of the Inquisition, when they subsisted in Haven with meagre supplies and a small complement of soldiers—before Trevelyan had arrived and changed everything.

Ashley stopped abruptly in front of them, ducking down and motioning for the group to find cover. Up ahead Cullen noticed a small group of soldiers dressed in black and white armour entering the prefab compound. Cerberus, Vega mouthed to Cullen before he motioned to Tali. The Quarian began typing on her omni tool and a few moments later a ball of light appeared above them and took off toward the soldiers. Ashley and Vega pushed forward and began firing. Muscle memory took over as Cullen moved in after them, checking to ensure that no one was flanking their position. The enemies had been dispatched quickly, leaving them with a few moments to look for information and search the dead Cerberus soldiers.

“Why would such a small group be in this area on their own?” Tali asked. “They should be in the main compound.”

Cullen looked around for anything of note. These buildings were all civilian lodgings; hardly a high profile target. “Reconnaissance?”

“They know Shepard isn’t on site. What else could they want from the barracks?” Ashley asked, rifling through the soldiers’ belongings.

Cullen heard the faintest noise, hairs standing up on the bank of his neck. They had not been paying enough attention to their surroundings, having been too focused on what the soldiers’ objective might have been. He drew his weapon, turning to face the threat head on. The rest of the crew snapped to attention behind them, though it already seemed too late. They engaged their attackers as best they could, but found themselves surrounded. The four of them stood with their backs to one another with their weapons pointed outward toward the Cerberus group that was advancing. 

“Maker’s balls,” Cullen cursed, sure that Varric would be proud of him.

“Not exactly a fair fight _pendejos_ ,” Vega scowled. “But we’ll take you out anyway.”

Cullen thought he counted ten in total as they appeared from the available cover. The smaller group of forward soldiers had been a distraction to draw them out into the open and it had worked perfectly.

One soldier addressed them, appearing to be the leader of this small group. He lowered his weapons hole the rest of the Cerberus soldiers kept their guns levelled at their targets. “We’re here for Rutherford.”

“Me?” Cullen was unsure how they even knew who he was. It seemed strange that they should set up this strike just for him. He tightened his grip on his weapon, wishing he knew if Shepard was on her way.

“We thought you were after Reaper tech,” Ashley interjected. “What do you want with a civilian?”

“Not just any civilian—Shepard’s boyfriend.” Cullen flinched at the way the Cerberus man spat out the word. “After al Jilani let it slip on the news we knew it would be all the leverage we would need to get Shepard to give herself up. Funny though, you don’t seem to have any records anywhere. Now why might that be?”

Cullen could feel a cold sweat coming over him. He knew how dangerous it would be for Cerberus to discover the truth of his identity. He hoped that they had not found any more information.

Vega huffed out a laugh. “Shepard doesn’t give up. Especially if you fuck with her people. So you’re going to let us walk out of here and we might reconsider killing you.”

The group was advancing slowly, cutting of their position as the leader distracted them with conversation. Cullen’s mind ran through numerous tactical plans, each of which offered low odds of success. Right now they were outmatched in numbers and weaponry, with their position offering little to be desired. The only option was to stall them and hope to Andraste that Shepard was on her way. 

“Enough,” Cullen shouted. “I will go with you on one condition—”

“Cullen, no!” Tali snapped.

Cullen lowered his gun as he said a silent prayer. “None of my friends will be harmed. You will allow them to leave first and then I will go with you willingly. I cannot hope to overcome you on my own.”

The Cerberus soldier paused for a moment and considered the deal. “I accept.You stay and the others can go.”

“What are you doing?” Ashley hissed. “It’s Cerberus. They’ll shoot us in the back the second we turn around.”

Cullen laid his gun on the ground and lifted his hands behind his head in surrender. “You need to find Shepard and stop them from achieving their objective. They cannot kill me so long as they need to use me as leverage. You can come for me later,” Cullen whispered.  

“No way. Shepard will kill me if—”

Ashley did not have the opportunity to finish the thought as shots rang out around the group, felling three Cerberus soldiers, and chaos ensued. Vega and Tali pushed forward to take on their attackers as a flash of blue biotics appeared and lifted a couple of soldiers off the ground. Cullen looked over his shoulder to see Garrus aiming his rifle while Liara threw up a barrier. He saw a flash of deep red hair as another solider fell. Cullen was moving toward her when he felt an arm around his neck pulling him backward, a gun pressed to his side. The leader was using him as a shield.

“That’s enough Shepard.” The man holding Cullen tightened his grip as Shepard came to a stop. “If anyone so much as flinches he’s dead.”


End file.
